Okay, I’m not sure how to go about saying this. Let’s just start with the beginning.
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth in six days, and rested on the seventh. And then on the eighth day He scraped together the leftovers and makes me. Ha ha.
My name is Donald Cabrey. Maybe you’ve heard of me, but that’s only if you’ve been to Abe’s Abbey, the worst little rathole of a drinking establishment in our otherwise picture-perfect town of Sunrise. If you have, you’d have seen me up on stage. I’m a comedian. Not a good comedian, but drunk people laugh at anything.
Anyway, I’m writing this to tell you what happened to me about three hours ago. I was walking back home after another night of bad jokes and being yelled at by hecklers. It was not dark and stormy or any of that. It was a nice night, good for walking.
As I walk, I see these two guys approach me. Don’t ask me to describe ‘em, I was never good at writing. They looked ordinary enough, I suppose. One of them had a moustache, one of them was clean shaven. What wasn’t ordinary was when the mustachioed one pulled a knife on me.
“You wanna know what’s gonna happen to you if you don’t hand over your wallet?” he said, his voice slurred. He'd obviously downed a couple of drinks.
I didn’t stick around to find out. I turned around and ran, ran as fast as my (admittedly out of shape) legs could carry me. I could hear them behind me.
I ducked into an alley and tripped on the asphalt. My watch-strap came loose, and the watch flew off my wrist. Now, I know a watch isn’t something you should be worrying about when you’re getting mugged, but that watch belonged to my dad and it was a good, reliable watch and damned if I was going to lose it.
I fumbled around in the darkness until I felt my hands close on something watch-shaped. I put it on just as the two drunks caught up with me. I backed into a wall. You know how they say that a cornered animal is the most dangerous kind? Yeah, that kind of proved that I wasn't an animal.
“Say, now,” I tried to reason. “There’s no need to get violent. How about I buy you guys a couple of drinks?”
Moustache-face laughed, which gave me a spot of hope before he drove the knife into my belly.
What happens next, you ask?
Why, I died, of course.
Not really. This is the amazing part! The knife didn’t even stick. It just hit my stomach with a thud and the vibration ran up the other guy’s arm. I’m not sure which one of us was more surprised.
I just realized how stupid that sounded after I wrote it down.
Anyway, I got over my shock before he did and threw a punch, right in his face. He bowled over like a sack of potatoes! The other guy just looked at me and ran away.
And now I’m at home, in the kitchen. My wife and son are sleeping. When I got home, I felt like I was on fire. In a good way. Not like, in an embarrassing skin infection way. The feeling’s gone now, though. I think the strength is gone too, as well as whatever it was that made my skin knife-proof.
I’m pretty sure it was the watch I picked up. Whatever it is, it wasn’t my dad’s watch. The leather strap is black instead of brown, and the clock face looks much older, like one of those 19th-century pocket watches.
I realized it wasn’t my watch when I got home. I cursed under my breath and took it off. Suddenly, my senses dulled. It felt like, I don’t know, like someone put a sack over my head. And the knowledge just jumped into my head, just like that. I knew it was this watch I picked up. I’m still trying to get over how big this is.
A watch that gives you superpowers. If I wasn’t so scared, I’d be laughing.
Hmm. You know, I could really do some crazy stuff with this.