I am so incredibly nothing. I know how I seem agitated but I’m not. I am nothing. I’m only a hundred yards away. 99. 98. 97. Didn’t you want everything?
I can’t keep the silence in my head, it’s too loud now; I have to drown it out. But I can’t find any music that speaks to me.
What a stupid problem. Stupid. Stupid.
You know, there’s a boy at my school. He’s very tall. Everyone thinks I’m in love with him, and he with me. I don’t see it that way.
I dreamt I kissed him. But I don’t want to kiss him. I want to kiss someone. But I don’t want to kiss him. That’s all the dream was saying.
And that’s important. Because it’s okay that I didn’t want to kiss him. People will tell me I should take what I can get because I’m fat and that’s not okay. I deserve to kiss guys I genuinely find attractive, and who genuinely find me attractive. I do deserve it. I do. I have to remind myself 60 times a day but I do deserve it.
My phone just vibrated. I’m getting it out my pocket. Why do they make girl jeans so tight and yet have no pocket room? It’s infuriating.
It’s my sister. She’s not coming home tonight. That figures. But she doesn’t usually tell us.
Too much backstory. Too much backstory and I’ll stop. See this is why you can’t ask questions, I’ll feel compelled to tell you too much. It’s much better if you’re just silent.
There. Nice. I’m looking at the sky. And I’m thinking how I want to watch Clueless and play Dear Esther but I’m also thinking I should finish Thomas was alone first. And now I’m realising just how boring I –
The trees are moving. Just to the left of the traffic lights. Do you see? What is it – God my heart’s beating fast. I knew I was being watched. I knew there was something wrong. There’s a flash of white. Is it a dog? I hate dogs. They’re terrifying. No, I don’t have to justify myself to you. Dogs are scary.
No, it’s not a dog. It’s a boy. A guy. He’s coming over. No, he’s leaving. Who is he? He looks my age but I’ve never seen him before. He’s walking straight towards barbed wire. I bet he’ll vault over it like a boss. My face is red. Yes, there he goes. Cool as f*ck. He’s jogging off. He’s got a good bum on him, I’ll tell you that for free. Maybe he’s older than me, at Uni or something. I’m keeping on going, same pace. He just looked back at me, then turned away really quickly. Is he a stalker? Youths scare me.
I can hear my mum’s car. I’m at the traffic lights now, and I can hear the very distinctive scream of my mum’s engine. Now my head is filled with boy and I have to listen to The Apache Relay. It’s just what I have to do. I’ll amble.
Katie Queen… Of Tennessee…
Yes, that’s all I need. I take my headphones out and open the car and slump in. My bag looks like I go to an American college. I like it.
That’s how I usually say it.
That’s how she usually says it.
She’s playing Jack fm. That’s our afternoon music. In the morning it’s Classic, and we don’t talk.
How was your day?
It was fine. I had a nice walk up here. I saw some boy in the trees, which was weird.
In the trees?
Yeah, by the traffic lights.
How old was he?
I don’t know, about my age.
Hm. He was probably smoking.
Most likely. What’s for supper tonight?
Oh, I don’t know.
She never does.
We’re going east and the Sun’s behind us. It’s shattering the sky and spilling through it. It’s gold and purple and blue. I guess I’d better Instagram it.
I get my phone out and take a few pictures through the window.
The mirror’s image, tells me it’s home-time…
I pick the best one and enhance it on that app I got for free.
But I’m not finished, cos you’re not by my side…
I’m cropping it.
And as I arrived I thought I saw you leaving…
I’m writing the caption: Lovely sky today <3
Carrying your shoes
I’m hashtagging it. #sky. #breathtaking. #beautiful. #flawless. Post.
Decided that once again I was just dreaming…
Of bumping into you.
He’s liked it.
I can’t tell.
Is it him? The dark boy in the trees?
How did he find me? Did he follow me and I didn’t notice? Did I randomly show up in his search? Who is he?
It’s so loud inside my head.
You have keep your head out that phone, young lady. Experience life through your eyes, not a camera.
Mum’s voice scares the life out of me. Jesus. I was so absorbed.
Why d’you only call me when you’re high?