You decide you're done.
But you're not done in the way you've been done before... This time, you're done in a good way.
You're done refusing to eat a four digit number of calories a day, and you're done punishing yourself for it. You're done cruelly critiqueing your image in the mirror, and you're done shedding tears over it. You're done refusing to accept relationships, and you're done timidly avoiding people. You're done feeling lonely in the middle of all your friends. You're done feeling unloved after five people have sincerely said, "I love you," that day. You're done searching for sharp objects when you feel an overwhelming desire to harm yourself. You're done. You're so done.
But you can't help what you've already done. You can't change the disturbing thoughts of when these feelings enveloped your every emotion.
And when you are all of a sudden inundated in the memories of all those times you lost control of yourself, it takes more self control than you've ever had to muster not to do those things again.
So you shakily grab the car keys and run outside. Your whole body is trembling... You shouldn't be driving. Your quivering hands stick the keys in the ignition and start your engine. You have to hold it together... TRY. You calm yourself enough to pull your car onto the road... Now you're away from everything... The tears can flow freely. They just keep coming. You wipe them so you can see the road before you. The instincts you have tried to discard begin to kick in... You begin screaming. "Oh, God, HELP ME! Where are you, God?! Hold me, God! I'm sorry, God. Forgive me, God. God, let me feel your love! TELL ME YOU LOVE ME!" You keep screaming. You're trying to extinguish the demons' hold on you. You are praying. You are praying so hard. You want this to end. You want His help.
You have finally exhausted yourself enough to quit screaming. A few minutes later you can stop crying. You pull into a parking lot to feel safe. He's here with me. He's holding me. He loves me. He knows I'm sorry. He forgives me.
You begin singing to Him. Why this is soothing you... You don't know, but it's working, so you keep going.
Oh, no! You never let go! Through the calm and through the storm! Oh, no! You never let go! In every high and every low! Oh, no! You never let go! Lord, you never let go of me!"
Lord, you never let go of me.