You have tried counting to ten. You have tried doing sit-ups until your stomach burns. You have tried closing your eyes and thinking of anything that has ever made you smile. You have tried everything you can think of....
And you feel no better than you did before you were trying.
So you try something new. You try something that doesn't exactly heal, but might possibly ease the overbearing pain for at least long enough to find something else to try. You decide the hurt can't be blamed on anybody....but yourself. So the only thing left to do is punish. Punish harshly.
You are preparing to punish. What's stopping you? You'll feel better.
A moment of weakness . . . And it's done.
What have you done to yourself? Why did you do that? Oh, that's right. This should make me feel better. Why do I not feel better? You begin to taste the tears that have been flowing this entire time. You're more miserable than you were before you tried to fix anything.
So you punish yourself again. Now you can't stop. You're even getting a sick sort of satisfaction from it. Exhausted, you gently set down what was in your tightly clenched hand, and climb into bed like nothing was wrong.
Do you feel better? Are you glad you took everything out on yourself? You can't decide if you feel better or worse. Like everything else you're hating right now, you can't take back what you just did to yourself.
Than a scary thought enters your mind: God, did you see that? Did you see what I just did? Wow. Of course He did. How do I apologize for that? How can I ask forgiveness for something I'll do again and again? For something I don't regret? This might be the first thing I did right. But where is God's position in this situation? You start to ask God . . . But you stop. You're not sorry.
And than you remember . . . He was here when I did that. He was here before I did that.
Wait . . .
Why didn't I go to Him in the first place?
Maybe it's time to try something new.