The lion one day came up to Adam and introduced to him two smaller lions that walked in beside Betty. The lion was beaming, and Adam noticed that the two looked remarkably like Betty and the lion.
"Where did you meet these two?", asked Adam and Betty laughed, "What?!"
The lion interrupted, "We were walking and God, um...threw them at us."
"Threw them at you?", thought Adam, "but I haven't seen God for what seems like seven weeks!"
"Well good bye, Lion and Betty and your two new small friends!", waved Adam who was very happy for them. They seemed jubilous to have two new friends and Betty had seemed to lose all the weight she had put on over the last 7 days.
Days went on and Adam didn't see much of his lion friends or God. Being shy he could only just smile and make small talk with the parrots that would perch on his shoulder and the chipmunks that clammered up his leg, seeking nuts. On his walks through the Garden, he would start to see more and more how the animals seemed to be arranging themselves in two's .Something bothered him more than the chickin and the egg. But he just couldn't put his finger on it.
There was a serpent , (there were no "snakes" in the garden of Eden") who went by many names. Some days he was simply , Baazelbub, others Lucifer, Hitler or Dublya who lived in a hollowed out log. Whenever Adam was around, the snake would spend it's time sliding in the log he called home and then sliding out. And then he'd slide in again. Occasionally, it'd spit milk out. This whole display fascinated Adam.
"Serpent", said Adam to the snake, as he watched him ease his way in and out of the log, "Tell me something."
The serpent stopped and slowly wound it's eyes up to meet Adams.
"Where did you get the milk?"
"Follow me, Adam", sighed the serpent, "Follow me"
Adam followed the serpent through a twisted path where animals wrestled, poked, played and tugged and licked at each other. Adam liked to watch the animals wrestle because they seemed to enjoy it so much. Finally, they came to a pasture where a cow stood quietly and a bigger cow stood a top it, trying to persuade it to wrestle.
"Look at them, Adam", said the serpent,"and the answer you've been trying to reach will come to you"
Adam displayed at this display for a long while with a quizzical look on his fsce. Then, across the field he saw a number of smaller cows gathered round a larger one!
"I have the answer!", said Adam as he saw the small cows walking away with milk dribbling down their chins.
"Excuse me, cows, I know you're in the middle of a good wrestle, but I understand this is where God keeps the milk."
And so God had gone for a walk and saw Adam sucking the teat of a cow who was mounted and knew that they had to talk.
The next morning Adam awoke to God gently poking him in the eye with a Sasquahanna branch. "Awaken my child", cooed God, and Adam looked up half awake into the teat of the cow he had suckled.
"God.", said Adam, "you're up early"
"I have slept for seven nights and now it is time that we did speak"
Adam had never heard God speak as sternly as this and looked around him with concern. The cow had never heard God speak so sternly, and seeing it was Adam who had spent the night suckling her te*ts shuffled off indignantly hoping at the very least it was the bull who had mounted her.
"Adam", continued God, "I am very deeply troubled for I fear that my Creation has caused it's own problem."
"Honestly God", said Adam,"I really do like milk but I'm sure that I can live without it."
"Follow me Adam", said God,"there is something we must speak of"
And so Adam followed God who spoke and drew and pantomimed and made facial expressions. He pointed at birds and pointed at bees. He made Adam watch how the animals wrestled. Adam's eyes grew wider and wider, and he put his hand over his mouth at times. God leaned over and whispered some parts in his ear.
There was a period of stunned silence. Adam looked down at his naked front.
"What?”, he exclaimed, “You’re kidding me!”
"No, Adam", said God, "No kidding.”
"Then why did the lion lie to me?"
"I asked him to. I asked them all to. It was for the Garden's good."
"What? That I should die alone?", shouted Adam, "while others of the lesser species lived happily in families?"
God hushed Adam, and they both smiled at the disgruntled cows with a quick assurance that they weren't the lesser species they were speaking of. The cows contentedly discussed what "lesser species" could possibly mean before they took turns rolling in manure to cool themselves off.
"Adam", said God, "dearest Adam...."
"I'm the ONLY Adam", he interrupted.
"Then it shall be done. In Seven days"
And then God dissapeared in a crazy, hazy, purple cloud of organized smoke. And Adam sat there, pouting, rolling his eyes because Adam knew how long 7 days could mean.
And in a crazy, hazy, purple cloud of organized smoke there appeared the serpent, behind Adam, and he wrapped his serpent face around Adam's front until they were eye to eye.
"What happenned?", asked Adam,"I'm the joke of the Garden. I've been using my man sheath to pound coconuts while everyone else has been having the time of their lives. Why didn't you tell me?"
"I tried to Adam. It'sss not sssimple like breaking one of God'ssss orderssss. You might have free will, but not usssss."
"What'sss with the lissssp?", asked Adam
"I have an impediment where I pronounce the ssssibilants s and z imperfectly esssssspecially by turning them into th. I'd hoped you'd not have ridiculed me."
"That's not as half as wierd as the chimps who rub each other when they think no one's looking but I mean, more, that it's an imperfection. And everything else here is perfect."
"Yesssss. I am the epitome of God'ssss mistakesssss rolled into one being. God doesn't like wassste so he rolled all his 'not-so-goods and 'could have been betters' into one being and that is me, forced to slide along the ground and forever put fear into all othersss heartssss. A fear that God allowsssss imperfectionsss. Forever sssssslithering on my belly. There issss no otherssss like me."
"Well, except for snails", said Adam
"Nothing like ssssnails", said the serpent, "Snailsss have shellssss to protect them."
"But they lose their shells, and then they are just like you. And what about worms?"
"Forget the sssnaillsss and damn wormsss!", cursed the serpent looking around him nervously, before lowering his voice to say, "So you're looking for a wig wam for your tom tom?"
"Pardon?", asked Adam.
"You never sssssaw me." And the serpent was gone.
And God was there.
"Good news, Adam.",said God, "hold me hand and I'll show you how it feels to disappear in a crazy, hazy purple puff of organized smoke"
And Adam and God went to a place hotter than the hottest sun and colder than the coolest glacier. Further than eternal space in a span of time no more than eight and no less than six days.
"Sit here", said God and Adam sat upon a potter's wheel made of gilded gold with a platinum petal and a marble base.
"Do you suffer at all from motion sickness", asked God who offered some tiny bits of gravel for Adam's stomach just in case.
And God began spinning the wheel and Adam could feel the cool coats of modelling clay taking shape around him. He felt nothing but exultation. Adam, the first of God's sensate creations now under the tools of omnipotent power in order to forge the next step in the evolution that God had called man!
"Behold!", thundered God as he shoved a thumb up sleeping Adam's nose, "An Adam
Ashtray! It's magnificent!"
Adam looked. God was right. It looked just like him.
"It's designed so that smoke will come from your ears!", boomed God. "Isn't that a riot?"
"Yes, God. It's a riot", said Adam, "Can I go home now?"
Adam went home that night and stared at the stars for he could not sleep. The lion, his friend had lied to him. God was more concerned with novelty ashtrays bearing his semblance than his happiness and the only way he could open his coconut was using his mansheath. In all of man's history, man had never been less happy.
Adam awoke to his rib being shattered by a large rock.
It was a voice that Adam had never heard before. It sung like a thousand songbirds in the tune of the hum of a practiced hummingbird. The sweet sound of that voice alone would smash a thousand coconuts.
Adam kept his eyes closed.
"Pardon?", he said.
"Good morning", chuckled the voice as something tickled Adam behind the ear.
Adam slowly openned one eye and then openned the second one as fast he could. Good God! Good Mercy! What it was he saw before him. This was it! This was her! Her hair was a brilliant colour of the sun's whimsy. It flowed down over her magnificent cleavage. She had curves that made rainbows jealous. And for a belly button she had an "outty"!
Adam was enthralled. If God could do anything, he sure could create beauty. And this beauty would be the genesis of a brand new world! A world where man would work together with animal and beast under the watchful eye of God. A dawn of a new age! And that, thought Adam, is what I'll call her...Dawn!
"How ya doin'?'", she said, "I'm Eve, put these on. You look like you could smash coconuts with that thing"
Adam looked up and saw that she was handing him what looked like a skirt made out of fig leaves. And that she was wearing one too, albeit one made out of just one leaf. For that, he was glad because at first glance it looked as if an important part of her was fig leaf green.
After he had painfully donned his eve-skirt despite the throbbing of a shattered rib, Adam rummaged up enough nerve to ask her how she liked her name.
"I like it", she said,"I wouldn't have picked it if I didn't like it"
"You got to pick it?", asked Adam incredulously
"Well, I did, but of course there were some rules that God laid out"
"What kind of rules?", asked Adam.
"Well, it had to be a name that no one else had picked"
"What about the name Dawn? I was thinking maybe......"
Adam was interrupted by God who flew in in the span of time no less than half an eon and no more than half a garden second. He was glorious God again, abreast a flying white stallion and wearing a full clanking, plate of armour.
"Adm", said God," Hve yu mt v?"
Adam and Eve looked on.
God shook his head, clanked, lifted the face plate on his helmet and stood down on his horse before repeating, "Adam"
Adam looked on in awe at the clanking deity before him. God, the horse, the clanking all seemed to be radiating.
"Adam, have you met Eve?"
"Oh God, yes! She's magnificent. By and large a work of perfection. God, you are indeed a one of a kind class act. I knew you were up to it! In fact, God, I was thinking maybe because she symbolizes a beginning, a sunrise you know, the 'dawning' of a new era, maybe we could call her Dawn."
"But, Adam, her name's Eve. Didn't she tell you?"
Eve crossed her arms in front of her perfect, milky white bosom and said, "Yes God. I told him. I guess he thinks I'm too stupid to pick my own name."
"Is that true, Adam? That's hardly fair. You just met her. When I first met you I thought you were a bit of an idiot, but I'm not one to dwell on first impressions. Eve is a brilliant name! Think of the eve. Sun's going down amidst the splendor of shades you simply can't find during the day. Speaks volumes. I think she'll do well. Good job, Eve. Good job"
"Look, both of you -- Eve, I certainly don't think you're stupid.", said Adam slowing his rate of pace in order to calm the situation, " Believe me, I think you're everything I would want in a companion." Adam turned to God, " But at the risk of sounding petty, how come you let Eve pick her own name and I couldn't choose mine?"
Well, at the risk of sounding overly harsh, when I we first met. I thought you were an idiot. Why would I let you pick your own name? Now anyhow about that rib that Eve smashed. I asked her to smash it for me while you were sleeping. Turns out you had an extra. I managed fine with one less for her. That should just fall out painlessly."
God took to counting his fingers on one hand while appearing to perform mental math and paused for a minute then said........nope......hold on.....as it turns out I made a mistake. Eve needed another rib for childbearing, so there was no real need to smash that one. I think you'll probably need it. Don't worry Adam, it'll heal in roughly...."
"Seven days?", interrupted Adam.
"Oh, me, no", said God, "you're looking at a minimum of four weeks"
And then God charged off clanking across the desert leaving a trail of dust that settled within seconds.
Adam and Eve talked for a little while. Eve didn't have much to tell seeing she had just been born so Adam showed her some of the fig trees and olive trees around them. And the occasional folive tree which Adam called a "hybrid", a word he had picked up from God. Eve was interested at first but seemed to quickly bore of Adam's tales of how far he could pee and why one should never suckle a cow that's mounted under the watchful eye of God.
"I'm getting bored of figs and olives", said Eve and she picked up a passing chipmunk and bit it's head off.
"Mmmmmmmmm, try this", she said wiping away some of the chipmunk blood that was seeping between her perfect. milky white breasts.
Adam didn't know what to do. He stood and stared in a mixture of shock and dismay at a woman who could never be so perfect doing such an imperfect thing.
"Oh, here we go now. Don't start this.", snapped Eve, munching away at a bird she had snatched out of mid flight, "Lemme guess, when things get all rocky, you're going to blame me for the fall. Don't even think of it, pal. Honestly, try some bird. I'm surprised you hadn't thought of this. I just don't like the idea of eating things raw."
And then a funny thing happenned. For the first time it started to rain, and it rained hard. Adam looked up at the sky and cowered under an olive bush while Eve danced and shrieked, holding her arms up in the air to embrace the downpour. Adam noticed that even when she was dancing and squealing, Eve's hair was always covering up her torso.
Rain came down and then lightning lit up the sky, crisscrossing in multiple arrays of the letter x before coming down to strike the ground around them. Booming claps of thunder smacked the skies together and echoed across the turbulent Garden. The olive tree beside the olive bush under which Adam cowered was set ablaze. And the rain stopped so it could burn.
"Good", set Eve, "See? Now we don't have to eat this crap raw. Don't let that fire go out."
Adam learned to enjoy chipmunks and birds and crawfish and penguins and whatever else it was Eve had decided needed to be cooked. They had come to a simple yet workable plan of co-existence. Eve had worked it out.
"I think", said Eve,"that you will be the hunter and I will be the gatherer."
And so daily Adam would go out and bring food for him and Eve. Eve had taken to enjoy feeding some of the bigger animals which she called her pets. So Adam also hunted for the leopards, bears, elephants, giraffes, hippopaut........hippos, brontosaurus and tigers who took to lolling and resting on the beach behind where they lived. It was a long day for Adam and he had difficulty sleeping amidst the snoring of a thousand large animals. But he loved Eve, loved her milky white breasts and the way her fig leaf jiggled when she danced. And he resolved to be patient until she was ready to yield to his passions.
One morning, after many patient nights, as Eve was running a contest amongst the animals to see who could pee the furthest, Adam asked, "Just out of curiousity, if I'm the hunter, and you're the gatherer, just what is it that you gather?"
"Well", said Eve, applauding a particularly good Walrus pee, "I gather that you're the hunter. Now, run along now, mouth's to feed"