The New Testament part 1

"Before God Said", God dictated to Adam.

"Wait!" said Adam complained, "Its not proper to begin a sentence with a preposition!"

"In that case, And God Said,"

"But that's not proper either! Jesus Christ!"

"For God's sake, Adam," God told him, "Just stick to And."

It was seven, no forty years (God's fortune cookie told him his lucky number was forty) since God had pioneered the real estate trick of changing a place's name to boost home values. Lo, he pioneered this scameth upon Babylon, changing its name to Bethlehem. Meghan was punished by Abraham for loving another's mansheath, and was forced to develop a Reality Holyvision TV show entitled "Real Housewives of Bethlehem County," which was later turned into a major Holywood production. God, Seeing Meghan's desperate state, called her up to heaven to see him.

"Meghan," he told her, "I would like for you to bear my child and bring unto earth my Godliness for all to see!"

"But God, if I were to bear another's child, Abraham would have me given a vasectomy !"

"Then I shall makethyou a new face and Lo! you will be called Mary. Meghan will have died in a skiing accident in palm springs."

And so God maketh a son with Mary, and he was happy for "it" was good. "You shall name him, uh, erm..." God was saying to Mary.

"Jesus Christ, you don't know what to name your own son?" scolded Mary.

"Perfect! You shall name him Jesus!"

"But Jesus is a weird name. All the other children will tease him!"

"Nonsense," God reassured her.

"I will need an earthly man! Women have no power in the misogynistic society created by a male God." Mary realized.

"Nonsense! A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle!"

"Have you seen the fish these days?" retorted Mary.

And so God said to Adam "Cometh here! You may goeth again to Earth!" and Adam ran to God excitedly. "You shall be called Joseph and you shall be the son of Jacob, the owner of an amazing technicolor dream coat, and the husband of Mary."

Lo! Adam was happy because he finally got to return to Earth, but a thought suddenly crossed his mind. "What happened to Eve?" he asked God.

"I got angry with her and sent her to Egypt. She goes by Cleopatra, and last I heard, she promised to marry both Julius Caesar and Mark Antony. At some point she is going to be beheaded, I think."

So Joseph/Lot/Noah/Enoch/Adam and Meghan/Mary appeared on earth. Joseph managed to convince Mary to go to Egypt to have the child, telling her that the nativity care centers in egypt were the best in the Roman Empire, but What Joseph really wanted, was to find Cleopatra.

When Joseph and Mary reached Egypt, Joseph decided to sneak into Cleopatra's room and wait for her to enter to remove his fig leaf. But when Cleo saw him and his mansheath, she instantly knew who it was. "God may have changed your face," She shouted at him, But I'd recognize that mansheath Anywhere, Adam/Enoch/Noah/Lot!"

"Eve!" Joseph called to her. "Eve! Please!"

"No Adam. Get out," she told him, and Joseph ran back to his and Mary's camp, forgetting his fig-leaf.

When Adam returned to the camp, God appeared before him, and pointed to Joseph's nudity. "I thought I'd give you this. You were supposed to have it earlier, but I forgot to give it to you," God told Joseph, handing him an amazing technicolor dream coat.

"Thank God!" Joseph exclaimed. "Thank you so much, God! But could you do Mary and I a favor? You see, they're collecting taxes in Bethlehem, and we need to get there. Can you help us get there in time to have baby Jesus in a manger?"

The End

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