The Tower of Babel - Part 19

So anyway we'll just skip a few chapters because it took a LONG time for them to figure this out, as I'm sure you can imagine. Getting to the Godcave was not an easy feat. They tried jumping, riding on kangaroos, standing on kangaroos and jumping, using ladders, jumping from the top of ladders, ladders on top of kangaroos, jumping from ladders on top of kangaroos... The list goes on and on. They really tried everything.

Then lo, on one morn a dusty, dirty little poor boy in filthy clothes did approach Abraham and didst try to sell him a noospaper, insisting to Abraham that he had an idea that was truly noosworthy. And lo it was this filthy little boy who didst first propose that they build a tower. But Abraham did tell the youngster that he did not care about the noos and that he had better things to do than to buy things from little stinking poor boys.

But eventually Abraham did announce to the people that he had an idea. And then, lo, then what they finally did was they built this tower.

The tower was made out of animal bones, whole trees, rocks, paper, scissors, and old washing machines. The first floor was a 90-acre hip-hop dance club, with black walls and flashing lights and mirrors going on all day every day. People were dancing and drinking and seductively removing their loincloths for each other all over the place. It was Sodomygomora all over again. The first floor of the tower took seven years to complete, and the second floor was so difficult it took three generations. But they built it, alas, and it was good.... a swimming pool. A gigantic man-made ocean, for the workers to relax in while they labored on and on in pursuit of something they had no chance of achieving in their lifetimes. Their children were all dumb, and would ask stupid questions like “Why are we doing this? Where are we going? and What is God?” But the answers were so obvious that it really was pointless for their parents to try to answer them.

“Why don’t they just come up the stairs?” Adam asked God.

“Hm?” God was hard at work on a jigsaw puzzle.

“The people.” Adam pointed down.


“You know, the people down there,” Adam said. “They’re trying to come up here. You must have noticed by now, it’s been like hundreds of years, God.”

God stuck a piece down into the puzzle and pounded it in with his thumb, just for good measure. Then he looked up at Adam. “I noticed. So what?”

“So...” said Adam, unsure whether or not God was joking with him. “Why don’t they use the stairs?“

“Adam, Adam,” said God as if he were talking to a retarded leper kid. “You just don’t get it, do you?”

“Get what? It’s so easy, they could be up here in 5 minutes if they’d just--”

“Adam,” God interrupted. “Come with me. It’s time I show you something.”

A little exasperated but very curious, Adam followed God. They walked to the very back of the Godranch and descended the stairs.

“We’re going back to Earth!?!?” Adam asked excitedly, for he had been longing to return to Earth for many years now. “Am I going to start a new life again? I’ll miss you, God, but I do so want to start again and try to make Eve like me. You know I’ve still never had--”

“Adam, you’re not going to stay, I just want to show you something. Okay?” God rolled his eyes.

And thus did God and Adam appear on Earth for the first time in 700 years.

“GOD!” shouted Eve when she saw him, and she fainted. A swarm of mansheaths ran towards her and then it was a mad flurry to be the one to pick her up and take her away, to wherever they were taking her. Adam was tempted to follow them, but God did nudge him hard in the ribs when he tried.

Adam followed God like a puppy following its mother when there’s a big juicy steak somewhere behind him that he really wants. In this manner they did walk together through the strobe lights and laser shows of the Tower of Babble’s ground floor.

Lo, thus, therefore, and wherefore, did they run into Abraham who did shout, “Lord, I beseech thee! Why comst thou to the land of old from whencesoever thou hast been?”

“Just wanted to show Adam a little somthin’ somthin’” said God. “Don’t mind me.”

Abraham shrugged. “When you get done, stop by the Holy Babble, I’ll buy you a round.”

“You’re on!” yelled God over his shoulder. And they walked on.

Poor Adam was so confused. “Wait...”

God stopped moving.

“No I mean, figuratively, wait. Wasn’t Abraham the main one who wanted to get to you? Or was it that Jim guy? Was that even his name? I don’t remember. What’s going on, God? I’m so confused! I thought they were trying to get up here because they wanted to... I don’t know, kill you, or worship you, or something! Just show me whatever you came here to show me and let’s go home! This makes my widdle head hurt!”

Adam stopped shouting and glared at God.

“You see, Adam, this is what I wanted to show you. They don’t give a crap about me anymore. They don’t know why they’re building this tower, they’re just doing it because it seems right. Now stop bugging me with stupid questions like “Why don’t they use the stairs.” CAH! Man, you’re dumb. God chuckled and steered Adam toward the Holy Babble.

The End

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