"Why are were we in a cave?"
"We're not in a cave, Adam"
Adam and God were perched on a cloud overlooking the Earth. God was chomping on BBQ flavoured figs and letting his sandalled feet hang over the edge. Adam looked perplexed.
"OK." Adam still looked perplexed.
"So, what's going to happen now, God?"
" the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do"
"Isn't that a good thing, God?" Adam had started to wonder whether it was worth even asking questions.
"Adam, let me repeat myself, "the people is one, AND they have all one language; and this they BEGIN to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have IMAGINED to do"
"What's that mean, God?"
"Think about it...AND...BEGIN...IMAGINE..."
Adam had lost interest and was watching keenly the going ons below. The earthlings had begun work on a project that was beginning to fascinate him. They had gathered all their gold teeth, bracelets, pendants, bangles, toerings, ingots and shavings and were melting them down. Then they had gathered together Jacob and Wacob, two of the artsier, yet effiminate of Abraham's tribe who had begun to shape the gold into what appeared to be a giant cow.
Adam looked at God but unfortunately God had dozed off.
Weeks passed and soon people began to present before the cow their entire harvest, their youngest son, their neighbour's son, peas, novelty hams, used books and tiny bits of asparagus. Adam was further surprised to see these same people kneeling before the cow and praying to it! Adam read some of the letters. Each started with the same salutation...Dear Cow,
Please help me lose 40lbs without dieting or excercise
Please deliver me an herbal risk free supplement to enlarge my mansheath
Please send me a subscription to Eve Magazine
Please let me collect an inheritance from a long lost relative in Nigeria.
Please let me find horny singles in my local area aged 25-34.
"God!", Adam prodded the sleeping deity, whose loud snoring was causing a significant thunderstorm.
"Yes?' God opened one eye.
"They're worshipping a cow!"
"Yes, they are."
"But, it's a cow!"
"God, they picked the stupidest, slowest, weakest lamest animal to worship. What about a lion? Even an ox?"
"Well, it is a nice sculpture. Looks a lot like a cow.", God then faded back into a drool filled slumber.
Then, Lo, did Adam thus hear a voice from below where somehow the letters had mysteriously vanished.
"Thank you for all of your lovely letters and trinkets and whatnots. I will do my best to respond to all of them. I am Cowgod."
Adam was suspicious and after the people had scampered merrily back to their huts and caves and treehouses, Adam noticed Abraham climb from beneath a bush that was beside the big, shiny cow and tiptoe back to Abraham's palace.
This happenned for forty more days, and then Adam was sure something must be up.
Adam awoke God again.
"God, I may be wrong but I think that Abraham is pretending to be you, but instead he's pretending to be that giant, golden statue of a cow"
"Of course he is"
"Isn't this supposed to be when you get wrathful?"
"Wrathful? I'm going to let him live 900 years if this keeps up. These people treat me like their own personal wetnurse with their marital problems and penis envy. Hey, if Abraham can make a buck so I don't have to deal with it, then Lo and Be-hold, buddy"
Thus though dost and did Abraham become greedy as would any man who was successfully impersonating a massive idol of a heiffer and did then only have Cowgod hours of 3pm until 5pm and dost did stop accepting cheques and did only want virgins allotted him. Thus did Eve pretend and Abraham did not be fooled.
And, speaking of Eve, remember Jim? Yeah, Jim, he was the guy that asked Abraham to see if Eve would mount his mansheath. Well, Jim had been praying to the CowGod like madness. Dear Cowgod, how about a crack at Eve? How about any old MILF? Can I borrow a quarter?
Thus did Jim become fedup and with some good old Jim comeuppance did call the tribe together and did lift Zaccariah's loincloth and did say, "Your mansheath is still the tiniest in the village" and Zaccariah did look down at the ground, embarassed yet Jim would and did continue gathering the village together proving that their prayers were surprisingly not being answered by this remarkable replica of a dim witted mammal.
The villagers were slow to respond but Jim had eventually turned them into a frenzy and with a mad dash all of them in unison cried "Let us tip this gold cow". And thus did they push the giant cow on its side so that it may not stand up again.
Thus did the people kneel before Jim and ask Jim how to make money at home and for shinier teeth.
Jim pointed to the sky in a most dramatic fashion, making sure the wind caught his hair for the greatest effect.
And Jim did say, "I'm not God, you fools! God's up there!"
"Let's get him!", cried the crowd. They had formed what Adam would later refer to as "a hysterical cult of madness"