Part One: The Babble
And God hath thus rebuilt Sodom and Gomorra, or Somora, or whatever, into a new land entitled Babble, or Babylon, depending on how many syllables you wanted to say. And God did convince Adam to live up in the Godcave with him for a while. He said it was because Adam needed some time away from everything. But really it was because God wanted to see what would happen to the world if Adam weren’t there to screw everything up.
And Eve and Seth hath produced a son, Abraham. And Abraham didst grow up to be quite a looker, and didst give children to Megan, and to Tiffany, and of course to Eve. Abraham hath produced so many children, that he did become well known as Father Abraham. This obviously pissed off God, who did refer to himself usually as Father.
But God was happy to give Abraham as many children as the women didst desire to give him, because God did find it extremely funny to watch Adam’s reaction to all this.
“God, can I go back now?” Adam would plead. “I’m ready to try again. I think Tiffany is loosening up now. I think I really might have a chance this time.”
But God wouldst chortle and say that no, now was not the time for Tiffany. Perhaps in sevenish years.
And thus did then God and Adam continue to live in the Godcave and not interfere with the world below. God hath recreated all the animals except the unicorns, dodo birds, dinosaurs, monsters, and other hideous mistakes like these. Humans were now the most numerous animals, because of Father Abraham and his manly manhood.
Father Abraham’s children did not live together in peace; in fact there were so many of them that they hadst been forced to establish a government among themselves. Basically the gist of the governmental structure was that Abraham was the supreme ruler, and that was that.
And it came to pass that the humans in Babble started to worship Abraham, and pray to him for blessings like good health, good crops, sons instead of daughters, and a turn with Eve.
“I can’t force Eve to like you, Jim,” Abraham wouldst say.
“Yes you can, Father. I have faith in you. You can do anything!” said Jim.
“Alright, alright, I’ll talk to her.”
And thus did Jim and all the others continued to ask Abraham for things, because he usually did his best to arrange them.
The Babblonians had sorted themselves into different groups based on arbitrary things like the darkness of their skin, the types of animals that they refused to eat, and what method they thought Abraham would use to destroy anyone who crossed him. So far, no one had ever dared to cross Abraham.
Lo, it appeared that the people hadst pretty much forgotten about God.
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Meanwhile, Adam spent long hours watching God make birds out of clay and then throw them down at people.
God was using a pencil to carve intricate feathers on a particularly large bird. “Yes Adam?”
“Which of them are right?”
God continued to stare at his clay creation. Suddenly he held up the bird in front of his face and looked at Adam. The bird spoke with God’s voice.
“What do you mean, Adam?”
“I mean... who’s right about Abraham? The drownians? The bombicans? The slow-and-painful-deathers? The people who believe that Abraham is all loving and will forgive them?”
The bird chuckled, and Adam could see God’s stomach jiggling behind it.
“Oh Adam,” spake the bird. “None of them are right, and yet they are all right.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“What do I mean by which statement?”
“Both of them.”
“Well, none of them are right about what Abraham will do to them if they disobey him. But they all agree that they simply won’t disobey him, and so they are all right in believing that whatever it is that would happen, will never happen.”
God lowered the bird again and began to paint its feathers red.
Adam still wasn’t satisfied.
“So what would Abraham do to them if they were to disobey him?”
God rolled his eyes and lifted the bird again to speak. “They won’t.”
“But what if they did?”
“Adam,” said the bird patiently. “It doesn’t matter. It’s only a potential event right now. None of the things that would need to happen in order to trigger that event have happened, or will ever happen, and therefor that event doesn’t exist. Not even to me.”
“To the bird?” asked Adam.
“No you idiot,” said the bird. “To me. God. I’m just using the bird to talk to you.”
“I don’t know. I just thought it would be cool.”
“So you’re not really all knowing then,” Adam dared to say. “If all you know is what will happen, but you don’t know what might happen, then you’re just an extremely perceptive human. Not an omniscient God.”
An awkward silence did pass at that moment, and God did angrily throw the talking bird down at Babble.
“Squaaawk!” declared the bird as it hit the ground. “God is angry! He is cold-blooded and evil! He will take revenge on all sects of Babblonians! He is angry at Abraham and will smite him with the wrath of all the power that is within him!!!!!”
Adam glanced cautiously at God. But God was still staring down at the Babblonians, who were gathering around, listening to the bird, and staring up at the Godcave with curiosity, fear, and anger.
“What do you think they will do?” Adam asked God.
“Adam!!! I freakin’ KNOW what they’re going to do! Okay? I’M ALL KNOWING. Jesus!”