Sodom and Gomora Part 1

Thus was Adam depressed on the long voyage back to the Godcave.  God seemed particularly cheerful that day, speaking rapidly about future plans and lofty endeavours while Meghan and Tiffany laughed and stroked his beard and snuggled at his side.

"Ahoy!", said God.

Adam was glum as he took off his Noah beard and changed from his Noah robes into his figleaf.

"Good news, Adam!", bellowed God, chewing on a big wad of tobacco.

"Yeah, God,"  A sigh.

"I feel bad about the ark thing.  Sometimes I get in these, whaddya call'em?  Moods.  Jest those damned unicorns were, you know, pissin' me off"

Adam stared off into the distance.

"I like you, Adam.  You're a good kinda guy.  Kinda dumb, but a good one."

Adam smiled half heartedly.

"So, this is what I'm gonna do.  I'm gonna recreate the Garden, just jazzier, hipper, make it all up to you."

Adam put his head on his lap.

"Be right back!"  And God turned himself into a set of venetian blinds, pulled himself up and disappeared.

Adam weeped, dragging his arm along his nose and pulling along long elastic strings of desolate snot.  He hung his head in his elbow and sobbed uncontrollably.  He banged his hand on his forehead and wailed.  And thus did say "Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!"

And then God appeared as a small white cotton sheet tipsy turvying down until softly landing on the ground beside Adam.

"Lookitcher new home, son o' mine!  Six Nightclubs, nine Strip joints, four microbreweries, two Spas, one Saloon,  five massage parlors and then of course, a church."  God projected a great image into the sky.

"Great, God"  A half smile.

"You're gonna be called Lot!  And you're gonna make sure that the place doesn't go all hula-wild down there."

Adam sighed.

"Yeah, Adam, you know I, as a fair and loving God, don't mind the occasional fornications but I don't wanna see butts in the air everywhere I turn.  That's fair, isn't it?. By the way, Adam, do you like turnip?""

Adam said absolutely nothing and just played with his figleaf.

God crossed and arms and looked down at the Heaven.  "All right, Adam.  Papa simply just cannot further bear to see thine like this."

Papa?, thought Adam.

God went to his junk drawer, cursed himself and proceed to dig frantically between spatulas, paperclips, old coupons and pliers.  Finally, he pulled out a small coffee can.  He reached inside and pulled out two pink pills.

"This is what I take when I'm unhappy.  Megs and Tiff love'em!  Just lov'em!"

Adam hesitated, and looked at what God had presented them.  They were small pink tablets with what appeared to be happy faces stamped into them.

God rolled one between his fingers and winked.  "Would I ever give you something that would hurt you?"

Adam sighed and put them under his tongue.

And thus did Adam sit for twenty minutes before he shot straight up like a magic bean, beamed at God, "I feel like I'm in Heaven!", , pacing around the floor and rapidly wringing his hands. 

"I'm not making any obvious jokes",  God gazed at Adam paternally.

"Oh, yeah, I am in Heaven!"

God rolled his eyes.

And thus did Adam dance by himself and think that he wasn't such a bad guy after all and talk to God about how he was so grateful and loved being alive and wondered if he was rambling and God put on his best set of windchimes for Adam and all was good again.

"Adam", said God, "Since I completely and utterly trust you, I'm going to give you the secret formula for fabricating these little pink wonders and thou shalt tell no one else."

Adam was by this time too crazily ecstatic to even understand the blatant foreshadowing.  He was too busy thinking about his roaring mansheath and his true love, Eve.  If Eve had any feelings at all for him, these pink pills would bring them out, he thought.  

"Yeah, sure, God, you betcha!"


"Yeah, God,"  Adam was hugging a cloud.

"You are Lot.  Make sure the people are grateful and manage to keep it clean down there.  I don't want to see more than 40 butts in the air at once.  Tops."


"Yes, Adam."

"Can I have a hug?"

God smiled and gave his oldest, dearest a warm, fuzzy long hug and Adam didn't mind one bit because Lot was high as a giraffe on a skateboard and things were just completely and utterly fine."Oh, yeah, man,"

As Lot was making his way, jubilantly descending, he magically  acquired a porcine belly, enthusiastic afro and long dangling sideburns.  Lot was going to town.





The End

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