Noah and the Preposterous Ark part 2

No one gave a f*ck about the ark.

But Noah worked relentlessly, day and night, building an ark big enough to fit seven brontosauruses long ways and stacked on top of each other. He chopped down some of God’s oldest trees, and cut beautifully straight and even planks of wood. He even polished them. The ark had a large fancy kitchen, forty bedrooms, seven full baths, vaulted ceilings, wood burning fireplace, indoor and outdoor swimming pool, and a fully equipped fitness room.

Thus Noah was understandably surprised that no one cared.

Many nights, after a hard day’s work, Noah wouldst walk among the inhabitants of the garden and nod amicably at them in hopes of inspiring conversation. Many times he would receive a “hi Noah” or a “good evening”-- but never once a “why are you building that ark?”

Noah was frustrated to no end. The ark was going unnoticed. Eve now despised pretty much everyone except Seth and the unicorns, because she was just a b*tch like that. Seth hadst become a whiney adolescant, and Noah was even getting the impression that God liked Seth better than him. The serpent was cool now that they were both over the Eve thing, but even he didn’t seem curious about Noah’s ark.

Still, the day didst come when Noah’s ark was complete, and Noah did rejoice. He was so proud of his creation. True, it was a tad depressing that no one would want to spend time with him, hanging out in his cool ark. But Noah was satisfied to know that at the very least God would come.

Noah did boast openly about his ark that day, but still no one seemed interested except the dodos. Noah and his admiring dodos did approach Eve, in one last attempt to woo her.

Eve did not care about the ark or the dodos, and her unicorns did become very irate at their presence. But dodos are not afraid of stupid horses with horns, and thus they began flying overhead and pooping violently on the unicorns. This infuriated the unicorns, who officially declared war on the dodos. Eve wept.

God, being omniscient, didst know about this riffraff and did appear at the scene.

“That’s enough!” shouted God, but the bickering did continue.

Noah was unable to hold back.

“God! Did you see my ark! I made it all by myself just for us! You and me!”

“Yeah yeah, cool ark, Noah,” said God, who was presenty attempting to make a splatter of poop disappear from his forehead.

“God, aren’t you proud of me?” pressed Noah. But just then God was knocked over by a rampaging unicorn and did not answer.

Noah’s world was coming to an end. Not even God cared about his stupid ark! In his rage, Noah ran back to the ark and tore it apart with his bare fingers. Suddenly everyone in the garden seemed to give a sh*t. They all gathered around and laughed hysterically as Noah destroyed the entire ark from top to bottom.

And lo, as Noah was kneeling and weeping over the remnants of his precious ark, God did appear to him, and in jolly spirits, did declare,

“Noah, guess what. I have a new plan for the people.”

“What is it?” asked Noah, who despite his anger at God, was grateful that God was at least talking to him again. 

“I’m sick and tired of those unicorns and dodo birds, so I’m going to get rid of them.”

“Good riddance,” Noah sighed. 

“I’m gonna need you to build me an ark,” said God.


“No listen, hear me out.” said God. “I’m going to make it rain like you’ve never seen before. It’ll be GREAT! And the whole garden will flood, and everything will be destroyed!” God said gleefully.

Thus Noah did stare at God incredulously. 

“So I’ll need you to build a huge ark. Make it forty cubits long and seven cubits wide, and however many cubits tall that it takes to fit a brontosaurus. And you’ll have to get a male and female of every species of animal, and put them on the ark, so that they won’t die in my flood. EXCEPT the damn unicorns and dodo birds. GOD I hate those things.”

And thus, Noah reluctantly built a new ark. 

He built it according to God’s specifications, but without any of the love he had put into his first ark. This ark he did build out of rocks, plants, leather, animal bones, and sand. It had one huge room and no windows. It was the ugliest creation ever created. Even God agreed that it was uglier than the walrus. But it was an ark, and it would do.

Thus did Noah begin gathering two of every species, even the walrus. He wrestled with the primates, outsmarted the elephants and zebras, chased after the rodents, and spent long relaxing hours fishing. The birds he assumed would sit on top of the ark if they knew what was good for them, plus he hadn’t the foggiest idea how to catch one. And f*ck the dinosaurs.

Thus the moment arrived when it began raining. All the animals were piled into the ark, and Noah was frantically trying to keep all the fish from jumping out. Eve wanted to stay with the unicorns, but God convinced her that he needed a female, so that Seth could later reproduce. 

And it came to pass that the Garden of Eden was flooded. Noah’s ark was afloat for about seven minutes before it did collapse entirely into the Ocean of Eden. Most of the animals drowned, but luckily God didst create an island just in time to save Noah, Eve, Seth, and few other creatures.

Noah had screwed up and everyone was pissed off at him agaaaain. 

He watched bitterly as a man drifted by on a fancy yacht, with Meghans and Tiffanys sunbathing at his side, and waved at Noah jovially.

The End

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