Mr Noah and his Improbably Ginormous Ark

And lo, with Able dead and Wayne exiled, Eve was jonesing for another baby.

Adam felt sure that this was his chance, for he had seen Eve and the serpent arguing recently... something about the serpent always looking at the Tiffanys and Meghans that were there. But alas! Eve still was not interested in Adam’s milk, even after he brought her flowers and wore his manliest fig leaf. 

Adam simply could not compare with the nephilim.

“Nephilim!” God hath exclaimed. “aren’t they great? my newest creation.”

“What are nephilims?” asked Adam.

“Nephilim” God corrected.

“Yeah what is that?”

“It’s plural”


“Nephilim is plural. One nephil, many nephilim.” God seemed to have trouble holding in his enthusiasm.

“Why?” Adam hath asked. “Why not just nephils?”

God shrugged.

“Anyway what are nephils?” Adam asked patiently.

God grinned, and began explaining about angels, and how he had made some of them “fallen angels” and that nephilim were fallen angels who lived on Earth because they saw that the daughters of men were beautiful and wanted them for themselves. 

Adam was utterly depressed by this news, for he saw that the nephilim were amazingly sexy and now there was truly no hope for him and Eve.

And so it came to pass that Eve became pregnant from one of the nephilim, and seven days later gave birth to a son whom she didst call Seth.

Adam realized that if Eve could become pregnant from any creature in the garden, then surely it made perfect sense that any creature in the garden could become pregnant from him. Thus one night he did test this theory on one of the sheep.

Soon the whole garden knew about Adam and the sheep, but they did not accept this the way they accepted Eve’s promiscuity. It was not fair at all. Eve and Seth were outraged, the sheeps put a restraining order on him, and the rest of the garden just glared at him whenever he walked by. Even the lions wouldn’t speak to him anymore. 

“God, everyone hates me, what shall I do?”

And God did roll his eyes, but said, “Do not worry, my son. I have a plan, for I am thy God, and will give thee aid.”

Adam, having no choice but to have faith in God, didst do as God commanded. Adam and God snuck away to God’s creation-lair, where God did command Adam to sit. Whilst Adam sat, God made many great ornaments on his pottery wheel, and eventually stopped and began considering Adam’s dilemma.

“I know!” shouted God triumphantly. “I shall make you into a different person! No one will know it is you, and you can begin a new life.”

And thus, God began molding Adam’s nose and ears and other body parts until he was unrecognizable. 

“What about...” Adam looked down.

“What about what?” asked God.

“You know...” Adam looked down again. “Could we make that... maybe... bigger?”

God laughed a hearty laugh and patted Adam on the back. 

“Ohhh my son, hah, you’re a joker. Anyway, you will now be called Enoch.”

“God, can’t I choose my own name this time? I still like Will...” but Enoch could see from the look on God’s face that the matter hath already been settled. 

And thus Enoch returned to the garden, and God did introduce him as Enoch, whilst explaining that Adam hath died from alcohol poisoning, and no one really seemed bothered by this.

This made Enoch quite upset, but he was determined to make his new life rich and happy, and forget all about Adam and his inadequacies.

Unfortunately, that very night Enoch did try to make love with Eve, but she was not in the mood, and didst cry out to the entire garden that Enoch is a creep!!!

Poor Enoch went back to God and begged for another chance. God did roll his eyes once more and did stifle a laugh at him. But after all, this was his greatest creation of all time, so God helped him again.

Together God and Enoch left the garden and walked away into the sunset.

Seven tea kettles and forty ash trays later, God gave Enoch a new face and called him Noah.

God didn't bother to explain Enoch's death to the rest of the garden, so it became generally known that Enoch had simply "walked with God," and that was sufficient since no one cared about him.

Noah was doubly determined not to screw up THIS time. This time he would show the garden that he was the manliest man of all men, and that he didn't care if Eve wouldn't sleep with him. For Noah had a plan.

The rest of the garden watched in bemused indifference as Noah began to build, what seemed to be, an improbably ginormous ark.

The End

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