Wayne and Able part 2

And, lo, seven plus seven plus seven years after Eve did birth the conjoined twins known as Wayne and Able, the boys did have a severe falling out, over something really rather silly.

They had reached an understanding on the dietary differences when God didst invent Textured Vegetable Protein™.  One day when God was wandering in the soya bean plantation where the goats didst also wander, he discovered a pile of droppings which looked exactly like cooked hamburger meat.  God knew (because God knows everything) that it was not cooked hamburger meat, but he knew the humans would be fooled and would not know they were consuming goat droppings.  Able was the only one he let in on the secret.

One night, seven days after he had discovered the TVP™, he appeared to Able when Wayne was having a nap, and didst sayeth unto Able, 'My Child, I knowest that you are a vegetarian, and this causes you great difficulties, especially during social occasions, when the host always forgets and you end up having to eat cheese sandwiches or a jacket potato or macaroni cheese or just a handful of peanuts, but lo, I have invented this great new product which will solve your problem.'

'Lord,' Able said, 'I am thankful, but... it's not tofu, is it?'

'No, child,' spaketh God. 'That will come later.  For the past seven days, I have been toiling in my food laboratories and have shaped this product into burgers, and lasagne and curry and even sausages.  Come with me and don't wake your brother.'

This was difficult, but luckily, Able had this night consumed enough beer to disable a herd of rhinoceroses.  He had developed a great tolerance to booze, while Wayne could not hold his drink at all, and just went to sleep halfway through his twin's binges. Able followed God to a clearing, where there stood a gigantic refrigerator. 

'Openeth the door,' God didst command Able, and Able did so, careful not to disturb the sleeping, snoring head lolling on his shoulder.

As Able opened the door of the first ever example of white goods, God commandeth 'Let there be light,' and Able was well impressed to see that the inside was illuminated, showing off a display of boxes and packets.  He knew not that the fridge had a tiny light bulb in the top and this would come on anyway, every time the door was opened.  But, this in itself was one of God's great mysteries as he hadn't yet invented electricity or even Thomas Edison.

Able gasped.  'God, what is this?'

'Non-meat product. There is enough here to feed you, your brother, and your parents and all those other people, for forty days and forty nights, after which, you will need to restock.' God boomed, causing Able to shush him lest he wake Wayne.  God looked a little sheepish at this.  'Sorry,' he whispered, 'Just taking pride in my work, y'know?'

Able picked up a box and immediately dropped it, as it was fearful cold, and he was unused to this, these lands being mainly hot places.  He picked it up and nibbled on one corner.

'Ah,' said Able, chewing, and grimacing, 'Refreshing, but a trifle bland, if you don't mind me saying, God--'

'No, you clot,' God said.  'The food is inside.'  Able opened the box and pulled out something resembling a chicken nugget, ice-crystals glittering on the breadcrumbs.  He was raising it to his mouth when God put his hand out and stopped him.

'Wait.  It is not cooked and will taste minging,' spake God.  He pointed at it and a tiny bolt of fire shot from his finger, and thus did zappeth the chicken-alike nugget. 'Eat,' spake God, and Able popped the morsel into his mouth.

'Mmmmm!' Able said. 'I am not able to tell you how yummy that is!'

'Ah, but you are Able.' said God, laughing at his own joke.  Able politely joined in.  'In time I will give your progeny microwave ovens, but in the meantime you will have to make do with fire.  I can't be doing with coming down and zapping every mouthful you people want to eat.'

'Thanks a bunch, God,' Able said, pulling out a few more boxes. 'Can't wait to tell the folks.'

'There is one condition, Able,' God spake.  'You must never tell your brother that this food is not real meat.  For if you do, his ire will be dreadful to behold.'

'Gotcha, Big Guy,' Able said, rather impertinently.


And it did come to pass, seven hours later, that Able didst gather his family around him (including Wayne, who was now awake, with a massive hangover), and did shew them all the massive fridge and the wonders of its contents, plus the cookbook which God had thrown in as a free gift, written by the first ever three-Michelin starred chef.  And his family rejoiced for forty days and forty nights until the food ran out.

And lo, the first time the fridge was restocked, Wayne and Able sat in front of it, looking in wonder at the stack of new boxes.  Able was chugging on a jug of cider, and did not see the serpent approach.

'Goatssssss droppingssss,' hissed the serpent to Wayne.

'Excuse me?' Wayne replied, looking at the snake.

'You've been eating goat poo,' he hissed, 'And you didn't even know.'

Wayne stared at the vile creature, and strained to hear his next remark.

'But your pressssssious brother did...' and the serpent slithered away, as he always did, having dropped his bombshell.

Wayne did not stop to think.  He grabbed a leg of frozen TVP™ lamb from the fridge, and swung it as hard as he could. over his shoulder, which was difficult one-handed (as Able was using the other to hold the cider jug).  But, fuelled by anger, notwithstanding the monodextrousness, his swing was sufficient to knock Able's drunken head clear off his shoulder.

Wayne looked at his brother's head lying in the dust, a little cider dribbling from the corner of his mouth, and a rather peed-off expression on his face, and squatted in the dust, weeping great tears which plopped into Able's open eyes.

He had become, at one and the same time, the first murderer, and the first disabled person.

He picked up the disembodied head and cradled it in his lap.

He was aware of a presence behind him, and turned, stuffing the head under his garment.

'Oh, hello God,' he said, 'How can I help?'

'Wayne?' said God, looking at the empty space on Wayne's shoulder, 'Where is your brother Able?''

God already knew the answer to the question, because, as I said before, God knows everything, and besides, he could see Able's nose poking through the fig leaves.  But he didst want to put Wayne to the test, because it's the sort of thing God does.  He wanted to see if Wayne would own up.

No chance. 

'I dunno,' he said. 'Am I my brother's keeper?'

'Well, it seems you are, Wayne.  It seems you're keeping him under your garment.'

Wayne pulled the head out and looked at it, feigning surprise.  'How did he get there?  Must've fallen off.' he said.  But God was not fooled.

'My Son,' God said, in a terrible voice.  'I accuse you of the crime of Congeminicide.' It was a word which God made up on the spot because he's pretty good with words, and it means murder of one's conjoined twin.  God did not expect that it would be used very often, but he was pleased with it all the same.  And who knows, it might come in handy one day..

Wayne hung his head in shame. 

'For your punishment, I am sending you to the Land of Nod,' spake God.

'What?  Is that all?  I was expecting fire, or brimstone, or maybe being turned into a pillar of salt or something,' Wayne said, looking bewildered and absently poking his fingers in and out of Able's nostrils.  'Not just being sent to bed early, I mean--'

'NO!' God thundered, as only God can, 'Not that land of nod... The other one, beyond the East of Eden.'  God made a mental note that this would make a great book title some day, but perhaps not such a great film adaptation.

And so it came to pass that Wayne was the first person ever to be exiled.  But probably not the last.



The End

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