A rambling, nonsensical History of our origins. Badly edited, badly spaced and full of bad puns and dumb one-liners. One of my proudest moments.
For as long as God could remember, there was God.
God was a white man who made space and the planets and the stars and fish.. He did this in seven days Now in the bible, the number seven does not necessarily mean "seven" and has been interpreted by many to also symbolize "7". Later others would break seven down to "5" + "2" but that was not up to God. God liked Seven. Ryhmed with Heaven. And Unleavenned. Brethren. All the "Plan".
In fact, that's where it begins. And it's long and sometimes dreary, so have a couple of stiff drinks and we'll get at it.
In the beginning was what God called "the Garden of Eden", perfection in itself. The rest of everything that God created, well, was, not so much paradise and was pretty much a writeoff. The planet Mars had been promising but had yielded none of the much heralded ray gun wielding Martians that God had planned. And so he promised himself never to plant on red soil again and turned again to the Garden of Eden.
In the Garden of Eden, God created another man in his image. He did this by putting some clay on a potter's wheel and spinning for nearly seven days, seven hours and then seven minutes. When he was satisifed with the ashtray he had made (known to some as the ashtray that God built, or Goshtray) he said, “Let there be Adam.” And then he said, "Let there be an ashtray that has no lumps" This was part of God's plan.
And surprising to even God himself, much like a magician who was skeptical of a new trick, there appeared before him, a man. Beautiful in form. Curled up under a Saquahanna plant (since extinct), there lay a man, sleeping. Peacefully sleeping. Sound asleep. Snoring and drooling, but beautiful in form. He even twitched!
He was almost identical to God except that he could not fly or cause catasprophes and was only 5' 2" high. Further, while God had a beard that went down to his knees, was timeless in appearance and had well defined abs and glutes, Adam was a study in contrast. He had sandy red hair, a mousey ill grown moustache and would have been lucky to have weighed 120 pounds. Despite these things, the man was a spitting image of God, and God was a spitting image of the man.
God gazed down lovingly at his creation. Having had no one to talk to since before the beginning of time, God was excited to have a companion.
"Wake up!" said God and, in his boyish excitement kicked the man square in the ribs. Then he poked him in the eye with a stick.
"I'm up!", screamed the man as he clambered for protection, seeing that God was about to beat him squarely with a Saquahanna branch.
God looked at his creation with a warm family grin.
"Welcome to paradise. All of this is yours. Your days will be filled here with but nothing but peace and prosperity. All of the plants will bend to let you cross and the animals will bring you what you require. You will have free will. I will not interfere with your time here. I am the first liberal parent. You are man, God's most triumphant creation. You are the one called Adam."
"You know what would be really funny?", asked Adam
"What's that?", asked God, bemused.
"Well, what if you called me Will? Call me Will. It's a better name'
God looked on.
"You know, you were saying how I'd have free will....so if you called me Will, well, then I'd be free Will, get it?"
Adam looked in God's face and saw his first blank stare.
"How about it?", went Will, "you know, you'd think I could at least choose my own name"
"Adam", said God, "I am providing you with ever lasting life in a Garden of Eternal Paradise and you're telling me you don't like the name I've given you?"
"It's not that I don't like it, it's just where did it come from? I mean, if I'm the first one, it's not like you had some kind of book you could choose from."
"It was the first thing that popped into my head"
"Right! And I love that -- but wouldn't it better if you named me after the first thing that popped into MY head? Wouldn't that be magnificent? That would be something. Especially since it was such a great pun! It would identify everything about me and the Garden of Eden. 'FREE WILL'. Oh, God, that's amazing!"
"Follow me, Adam, there are many things you must see and learn.", said God.
And so Adam trudged behind God to see the Garden of Eden where he could have free will, just not be free Will. And the Garden was magnificent!
If you could imagaine the triumphant harvest of the seeds that come from the brain of God -- the eternal vision of a being without equal - the ultimate mixture of all that is without fault within the universe and beyond - if you can imagine these things, then you should be writing this. Don't think you're better than me.
There are a few things that are known about the Garden. As they walked through the Garden, God pointed out to Adam some of the many delicacies that lay in wait for him.
"Behold the impressive array of figs and olives that lay before you! My favourite fruits they are and they shalt be man's favourites throughout the timeless centuries!", thundered God to Adam.
Adam plucked a fig, and tossed it into his mouth, while wondering how a century could be timeless.
"Is there no better taste than that of a ripenned fig?!", bellowed God as he slapped his prodigy on the back.
Adam politely smiled as he pulled the fig down his throat and wondered what could be any worse.
And as they walked amidst the breeze of a God-warmed day, God would point at some of the things Adam would come to expect.
"There lies a four-legged mule! A champion of labour, stubborn perhaps but willing to work long hours! You'll find the four-legged mule to be quite handy"
"And what other kinds of mules are there?", asked Adam, his interest peaked at the sheer muscle of the beast
"What other kinds?", asked God
"Beside the four legged mule."
"Well, there are no other kinds"
"Then why not just call it a mule?"
"Because we wouldn't know how many legs it has, Adam", said God, trying to keep his tone as one of enduring and loving patience.
Adam looked down and thoughtfully chewed on an olive, which was better than a fig, but not much. A few moments passed before they passed a bird sitting lovingly on top of an egg.
Seeing Adam's quizzical expression God explained, "That egg will hatch into a chick one day, Adam"
"So, the chick's in the egg?", asked Adam, "What are these things called?"
"So, before this chickin, there was only one egg?", asked Adam.
"Pardon?", asked God
"I mean, before this chickin could lay an egg, it had to come from an egg of it's own, right?"
"How do you mean? If that were the case, how then would that original egg be fertilised?", asked God
"Well, how is this egg going to be fertilised?", stepped up Adam.
"Adam, you're walking through the Garden of Eden, with me, who is God, and you're babbling about evolution?"
Adam felt a bit silly but still couldn't help wondering.
"Anyhow, Adam, that seems to have been about six days, so I guess it's time we should rest"
And God disappeared leaving Adam with a realization that in this new world that God had created, time was indeed relative.
Playing the lead role of the Garden of Eden came easily for Adam. There was no bickering. God had granted him free will, so he didn't have God yelling at him not to spit his olive pits on the beach, and all of the animals were friendly and caused him no harm. He'd often test that by walking up to a sleeping lion and kicking it hard in the eye, and the lion would awake with a start, look up as if to say, "oh, it's you', smile and go back to sleep. God would sit up in God's space and spend his time gently looking down admirably at his best creation. Adam would pretend that God wasn't making him feel creepy.
By about the seventh month (or 7th month in some circles), Adam had grown restless. He'd look up and see God smiling down at him and yell up "Do you have any reading material?", and God would look away as if he hadn't been watching Adam and couldn't hear him. It had got to the point where the lion himself was so bored he was asking Adam to crack him over the head with a big rock.
Seven days later, the lion had asked Adam to accompany him and another lion named Betty to witness that evening's meteor shower, which Adam enjoyed. He had noticed the two holding paws and had begun to feel like the universe's first third wheel. But he noticed something special between the two that seemed to make the lion happy. And so Adam was happy. He excused himself and the lions politely brushed him off.
And so the months went on and on. The lion and Betty seemed to spend all their time together. Adam had taught himself how to fly a kite. He had built himself a shelter should there not be a full day of perfect weather in the Garden of Eden. He had taken the shelter down because it was always perfect weather in the garden of Eden. He had piled rocks and bamboo stocks to climb where he would throw rocks at birds while seeing how far he could pee.
God had taken to teaching himself how to spin pencils between his fingers and resting. He was sleeping more and more often and asking questions of Adam like "You hate me, don't you?" and "Do you think I'm ugly?" to which Adam felt like he had no response. The Garden had become a slow, quiet place. God seemed to get more and more bummed out everyday.
Adam stayed away from God who was always asking if they could "talk" .
Adam would walk with a pair of sea shells draped over his ears because he didn't know how to tell God that being God was as good as it gets. So, whenever God would try to get his attention, Adam would reply, "What's that, God", "I'm sorry, I can't hear you", I'm listenning to the ocean!" while walking at a brisk pace like he was on his way to do something really important. And God would mumble something about how He's just not God material.
One day as the lion was having a pee on a large rock and Adam was looking away, God appeared before Adam in the form of a quiet lightning bolt. All of the power and 'zap' of a full course lightning bolt but with the texture of a 3 ply kleenex. It was all deity.
He was dressed as a picture book God. He had let his beard grow. His hair was soft to the touch without being oily and his robes were purer white than chess pieces shorn from ivory from elephants by callous poachers from a future that Adam knew nothing of. Glimmering white. White reflecting the sun that He, God himself had created. A booming God. A commanding God. An strangely angry God.
"A D A M !", thundered God in a manner that suggested no kleenex.
Adam tripped and fell. Behind God , the trembling lion peed as fast as he could, trying not to make a sound.
"L I O N !", bellowed God in a voice louder than every bell in every tower on every Christmas Day.
The lion looked over, and in as casual a lion voice he could muster without sounding overly flippant or indifferent said, "Oh, God, hi, I didn't see you there." as he strolled over to stand beside Adam and gave God his best not panicked smile.
"As you both know, I am impotent!", declared a stern faced God.
"Do you mean important?", asked Adam nervously.
The lion looked down and bit his lip.
"Did I say important, Adam?" asked God, looking at the lion, as if he was the one being asked.
The lion responded by shaking his head no.
"No, I didn't! Did I? The lion knows what I said and it certainly wasn't important. Lion, care to tell Adam what I said?", said God turning around, gesturing his arms in a manner indicative of one teaching. God sure looked impressive.
The lion looked horrified. A million scattered thoughts raced through his feline brain. Should he correct God? Does he say, "God, what you mean to say is omnipotent?" Maybe they had it wrong. This man doesn't make mistakes. Yet, He had created them and they had created the language so maybe God was actually new to the whole thing. But then again God seemed particularly wrathful for some reason or another. And the last thing the lion wanted to be was the guy who had agreed that God was impotent. So, having a brain based more on instinct that reasoning, the lion just kept quiet.
God continued, 'Don't worry, lion, We're not ganging up on Adam here. I just think that we should all maybe learn who is who here. Who's impotent and who's not. I only see one of us here that's impotent. Adam certainly is not impotent. I know, lion, with all due respect that you're not impotent. I am the only impotent one in this garden - but, really, Adam, you're starting to get a rise out of me"
The lion's relief at not having to answer the question was overcome by sheer panic at how badly he wanted to giggle. In the face of God. And that's when God sat down. On the rock.
'God! You can't!", uttered Adam.
"Adam!", boomed God's voice complete with echo. "I tire of your insolvence!”
The lion looked down, glad to be free of God's attention. God stood and in his anger, he seemed to grow larger than life. His presence expanded and seemed to touch upon every part of the living world. Leaves on every tree trembled from forces unseen. Insects scurried underground. And only the lion could see the big yellow splotch on the back of God's robe.
For the first time in history, time the urge to laugh even louder because you know you're at a place where you just cannot laugh, was borne.. If you thought this feeling was bad in church, try bursting out in laughter at the fact that the angry God in front of you had just sat in your pee.
Adam looked at the lion and then at God.
God, thankfully, never noticed. The lion thanked God - quietly.
"There's something I must discuss with the two of you, a Godly matter as it were.",bespoke God, who with his hands at his hips pacing, looked like someone about to teach a physics lesson.
"If I am 'all mighty,", he continued using two fingers of each hand to put quotation marks around the words all and mighty, "then really I should be able to do anything, right?"
Adam and the lion nodded in unison.
God looked all around, him, looked up, snapped his fingers and said, "Let there be.....me!"
And then God disappeared for a second and reappeared looking all confused and bedraggled, as if he had just reappeared from a weekend bender.
The lion and Adam, for lack of any other response applauded.
"No! No!", demanded God, "Tell me -- did I dissapear for a second?"
Adam and the lion nodded.
"Well, where did I go?"
The lion and Adam stared at God without an answer.
"Where? Tell me!"
And then God did it again. "Let there be me!" And reappeared in front of a confused lion and a confused Adam. "Let there be me!" And again. And again. "Where did I go? You must have seen it" And again. Again, again and again. But by the last time Adam and the lion had wandered off.