Shell was very frosty with me. We haven't spoken in a few days since she smelt that perfume on my sleeve.

I should have known not to get involved with a woman like that. It happened a little over a year ago. I was in a bar feeling a bit sorry for myself because an old friend was moving to New Zealand with all his family. I'm not sure the wife even wanted to go because they don't have very good universities. Either that or they just don't have many universities. Anyway I sat having a scotch and this young blonde-haired thing plonks herself on my lap and asks if I would be buying her a drink this evening. I asked her what her name was. She said 'Kimberley. Kimbo. You look like an interesting person and I'm interested in interesting people.' It's a line I've heard before and it was clear to me she'd been fluttering her stuck-on lashes at everyone all night. However, I was interested, so I introduced myself as Richard Brown. She said 'Oh, nice to meet you, Dick. Fancy some no-strings sex?'

It was a bit blunt, frankly. It's not how a man likes to be seduced but my wife was visiting her aunt and i had nothing left to fall back on, so I decided to go for it.

But once you've had a few weeks with a woman like that they start getting expensive. Like I've said she's a dangerously calculating woman and she's almost blackmailed me before. I got her to keep quiet with a fur coat I'd nicked from an elderly relative, I told Kimbo I'd bought it just for her. She believed me, I think it's safe to say.

Today the manager was out. Andrew turned up late again, whining about his mother. It seems to be the same excuse every time. You'd think she was in a wheelchair but she's just drunk and unemployed. He told me himself. I told him he was a grown man who shouldn't be living at home anyway. He said 'She was attacked by her social worker I think; I've spent all night trying to track her down and I overslept.' I said 'Well, I'm sorry, but if your mother can't use the phone herself then either you don't have the time to work here or you ought to get her a nurse full time. Now what should we do, Mr Frances?' And he couldn't answer me, and I was understandably upset today given what's happening with Kimbo, so I've let him go. 

He only did weekend shifts. Some stuff in the week if we asked him, but basically we can get someone else. There are hundreds of acne-ridden pubescence school-leavers who are just dying to work for me. 

The End

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