“Should I live to bury my desires,
And see my dreams corrode with rust.
My life would be tormented with fire,
That shall burn my empty heart to dust…”
God, how I hated such thoughts. Close it out.
“Welcome aboard miss,” the conductor says with a deep bow and a sweep of his arm after his descent to the platform in front of me.
Startled, I opened my eyes to the brightly lit halls and mumbled, “Where am I?”
“Don’t you remember?” he asked.
Memory flooded me. Tears brimmed in her tawny eyes, her forehead filled with lines of the work of time. Strands of her brown hair had turned grey. Phil, who is going to be my stepfather, is a decent guy; I know he would take care of mother in my place.
“Wait! Ellen, you don’t have to do this. We can find other means to solve this,” she inched towards me, pleading. However, my mind was made up. From a distance, I heard the blares of sirens. I took a step forward. The ground and tiny vehicles below rushed to greet me.
Air fought against me, it was all too fast. The last I heard was shrieks from around and wham! Hot knifes seemed to pierce through every inch of my skin; a pool started forming beneath my head. Consumed with pain, I vaguely hear her familiar voice-mother. Numbness supervened upon my pain, all my senses going dull. It’s the end. I love you, mother, and I am sorry… but I could not live without my voice.
Singing is my whole life. All I wanted was to be able to convey emotions through singing. Using words to weave a magnificent painting, I want to create a fantasy that could bring all possibilities- I would create a world through singing to share my joy and sorrows with people. Wanting to be able to soothe the stress of people; wanting to be able to bring out the happiness of people through singing; wanting to see their smiles plastered on their faces when they listen to my songs. Songs that could rejuvenate the people who listen to it, songs that would not only reaches their ear but touches their heart. Singing-the only element in my life is vital.
I do not need a perfect life. I always knew that some poems just don’t rhyme and some stories don’t have a clear beginning and end. Inept or an outcast I may be; without a successful love life but my voice was one thing I could not part with. The burning passion for singing; the amazing feeling on stage when I made my first debut; I would not part with my voice, not even at the expense of my own life. Through sheer determination and hard work, I had climbed to the summit and became one of the top singers. My dreams and goals…all shattered the day where I was diagnosed with throat cancer. They just dissipated like the morning mist…
Thinking it was a sore throat at first, I was not hindered by it in my singing. The lump in my throat was not clear then. It became apparent when I could not sing as loud as usual and every note took an extra mile. Whenever I tried to project my voice, there would be a stinging pain. Coughing repeatedly at the rehearsal, pain engulfed me and I fell into darkness. Finding myself in a white room after regaining consciousness, I overheard their conversation.
“We will have to operate on her and remove the tumor immediately. It is already at the third stage,” an unfamiliar voice, explained.
“I understand but as a singer her voice…” mother broke off.
“There will be a chance she will lose her voice and it will end her career. Even though she has just tasted the peak of her career, she must risk it and never sing again,” the unfamiliar voiced cut in.
Agony ripped through me. For me to never sing again was like an eagle that could not soar. These words hit home. No, I would not succumb. Never. Bolting out of the ward, a gust of warm air welcomed me. The rooftop was empty; I reveled in loneliness, sorting my jumbled thoughts. What should I do? Mother would surely make me take the operation…Drawing in a shuddering breath, I stood up. Just then, mother came bursting through the doors. At the edge of the platform, I turned to face her one last time before I plunged.
Suddenly, my surroundings evaporated and I was there at the train’s platform. I recalled mother’s tear stained face… my heart pang with guilt. I dabbed away my tears before turning to face the conductor. He smiled knowingly. Grabbing his extended hand, I took one last look around, letting go of everything. It does not matter anymore, goodbye…