The Tough Napkin that Went to the Moon

A very tough napkin goes to the moon.

There was a tough napkin, and he was cool. He wouldn’t take crap, and he was no fool. Toilet Paper, his friend, sat with him one day.

“Hey,” he said. “You should go to the moon today!”

Tough Napkin nodded, if napkins could nod. “I’ll go to the moon! In my very own space pod!” Tough Napkin set off, to collect this and that. These things he would use, and the moon he’d arrive at! The other random objects, however, frowned. “Look at poor Napkin, the silly little clown!” Tough Napkin, however, paid them no mind. He was tempted to kill them, but said,

“SATAN GET BEHIND.”

And when, at last, his contraption was done, he stood back from his work and said, “My journey’s begun!”
Take off was set for a quarter til noon. He was really going to do it! He was going to the moon! At last when all of his stuff was well packed, Tough Napkin looked in the mirror, and thought, ‘dude I am so attract.’ With his suitcase secure in the cargo bay, he looked back at Spoon, unsure what to say. “Spoon you are lovely, your curves are voluptuous. Your face is a funhouse. Also your curves are voluptuous.” Spoon said nothing, but rather, seemed to stare. Or, she would have, at least, if any eyes were there. Leaving behind no more than a mess, Tough Napkin boarded. “I’m off like a prom dress!”


And off he was, indeed, indeed. His space pod went up, til earth was a seed. The sky turned black, with twinkling lights. But then, “EWILRBGLHERL I FORGOT I’M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.” And as the spacepod flew away, Tough Napkin’s papery face went grey. Now I’m not saying napkins can puke, but if they can, his stomach rebuked. But lo, before he passed out, a brilliant light shined about. The moon! The moon! The shiny rock! He’d finally learn how to legit moon walk! He’d put his footprints in the sand! All he had to do was land!
3, 2, 1, he had landed. But an ‘e’ on the fuel tank told him, regrettably, he was stranded. It wasn’t until he stepped out of the pod that he learned that his plan was dreadfully flawed. For he was nigh upon weightless on earth. But the moon’s gravity spat at him, and refused his girth! He floated around near a foot off the sand. He’d leave no footprints, even if he touched land. He couldn’t moonwalk, anymore than he could lay eggs! For not only did he lack weight—he also lacked legs!


Woe is he, woe the Tough Napkin in space. Oh the things he would miss, like voluptuous Spoon’s empty face! And, he never did tell Toilet Paper goodbye. How could he forget? He was such a cool guy. And now, Napkin would face life alone. Without the means to end it, he was doomed forever to roam!


What a miserable impulsive decision this was. Whoever heard of a napkin doing more than a napkin does?


“But no,” thought he. “I’m more than a napkin. For toughness and I… we are akin! I am Tough Napkin, and I take no crap. This decision I made, and I’m no soggy sap!”
Tough Napkin resigned to drift on the sand, absorbing the beauty of this tiny, shiny land. But only sheer minutes had gracefully passed before he broke silence with a spine-tingling gasp.
To the side of the pod clung a small shape. A voluptuous spoon, held by a piece of tape.
“Tough Napkin,” she said, “I admit sabotage. I emptied half the fuel while the pod sat in your garage. I needed to be with you, Napkin, you see. Though I guess I should have asked first—would you go out with me?”


If scientists ever knew where to look, they’d find a spoon and a napkin, snuggled up in a nook. Though doomed to a seemingly pointless life, you'd find them quite happy, as husband and wife.

The end

The End

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