The tale of the parodyMature

Okay so I found this hiding somewhere in my documents on my laptop and I haven't seen it for about 3 years now, but I thought I'd put it up here. My memory is kinda hazy but it's basically a bit of a parody/fanfic thing...there are a few references to other films/books but the main idea is mine. It's about the relationship between a boy called Orlando and a genie called Johnny

Chapter One


Picture this, a run down flat with a beat up flowery Honda in the front garden. Two of the windows are boarded up and there are the remains of a bonfire on a burnt patch of grass. You open the door and walk up the wooden staircase. At the top is a door, with fading red paint, slightly ajar. You push this open and walk in. Sitting there, on a beanbag, playing a video game, is the most gorgeous guy in the world. Curly black hair, soft features, not to mention a really nice butt. And he turns around and smiles. He stands up and walks over to you. And you kiss him, and he kisses you back. Because he loves you. And that feels great, because no-one else does. And having him love you is the best feeling in the world. I guess I’m rambling. Here, let me go back, back one year, before all of this. And I’ll tell you a story.


Our story begins on a cold Saturday morning in Canterbury, in the year 2107. It is a story of love, betrayal, video games and magic. And it begins with a guy called Orlando.


Orlando was sitting on his bed playing a video game. He was always playing video games. He was wearing a green t-shirt and baggy jeans, with a small wooden necklace. He was barefoot. His room was pretty simple. A bed, a beanbag and a games console plugged into a large TV. Apart from that, there was only a large pile of video games and DVDs in one corner. But there was something that looked out of place. There was a random book on the bare floorboard. It was a really old book from about 100 years ago. Orlando had bought it in a junk shop a few days ago. It was a bit weird, the shop keeper had grinned strangely when he bought it. She was really old with red hair and green eyes. She looked to be about 116 years old. However, Orlando knew that she couldn’t possibly be that old. But it seemed as though she was quietly laughing to herself as he walked out the shop. Orlando didn’t even know why he’d bought the book, it just felt…right. He hadn’t actually looked at it though, since buying it. Yawning, he turned off the telly and picked it up. The first thing he noticed was the picture on the front. It was of a pretty good looking guy with a red bandana. A pirate, by the looks of it. He had a small goatee and moustache, and long brown hair. He seemed familiar somehow, though Orlando didn’t know how. He turned the book over and nearly dropped it when he noticed the picture.

                                                        It was him.

The man on the back looked almost exactly like Orlando, but he was wearing a blue bandana and had a goatee and moustache also. Orlando was surprised that he hadn’t noticed this when he had bought the book. Then he realised that he couldn’t remember anything about buying the book. He remembered walking in and out of the shop, but not the part in between. He looked at the spine of the book to see what it was called. “Jack & Will: A Tropical Island Story”. He looked to see who it was by. “By Captain Smalice Sparrow”. Hang on; he recognised that name from somewhere. It was the name of the shop. Cap’n Sparrow’s junkshop. He read the blurb. “In the middle of the ocean is a tropical island. On that island are a group of pirates. Jack is the captain of the pirate ship. Smalice is his wife. And Will is his lover. Follow the journeys of these remarkable pirates, through good times and bad, as they struggle to find themselves in a sea of confusion, piracy, sex and rum” He opened the book to the first page. Suddenly, there was a blinding light illuminating the whole room.  

                                                          And a man appeared.                                                                                                                                                                                    

“You!” gasped Orlando

“Have we met before?” enquired the stranger. Silently, Orlando passed him the book.

“On the front” said Orlando 

“Oh yeah”, said the stranger, “That looks a lot like me. Except, you know, I’m much better looking.” Indeed, it was the man on the front, but without the bandana and slightly better looking. Orlando realised he was staring and looked away.

“You know, you remind me of someone I used to know,” said the stranger, “A long time ago. Your name isn’t Bill is it?”

Orlando shook his head. “No, I’m Orlando”, he said, “Um, who are you?”

“Oh, how very rude of me,” said the stranger, “I’m the most handsome, most polite, most friendly genie this side of the galaxy. And because you’ve now opened the book, you are my master. You can command me to do anything you want. Just as long as it’s not naughty” Orlando stood with raised eyebrows and his mouth gaping.

“Um, what?” he asked perplexedly.

“Psyche! Just kidding”, said the genii, “My real name is Johnny. I suppose you could call me a Genie, but I don’t really like categorising people before you get to know them. What about you?”

Orlando just stood there dumfounded.

“Okay, listen buddy; I can see that you’re a bit slow today, so I’m gonna explain things nice and easy for ya, okay?” 

Orlando nodded his head.

“I have the ability to grant you wishes, yadda yadda yadda, but I can’t make people fall in love, kill people, or bring people back from the dead. For that you’ll have to contact my buddy the Grim Reaper. Or alternatively, Davy Jones. Actually, you could just ask anyone really, apart from me”

“Why not you?” asked Orlando, regaining his senses.

“Because I am blatantly the most innocent person that has ever existed, and I’m not changing that reputation for anyone, even someone with as cute a butt as you”

Orlando blushed and looked away.

“But that still doesn’t explain how you got here” said Orlando

Johnny was looking at Orlando’s CD collection.

“Ah,” said Johnny, “The Tragic Treasury; Songs from A Series of Unfortunate Events, as executed by THE GOTHIC ARCHIES” He turned around. “Did you know that executed is a word which here means ‘carried out’, rather than ‘killed as a punishment’?”

“Um, yeah,” said Orlando, “So, you have to do anything I say? There’s not some rule about three wishes or shit is there?”

“It depends,” said Johnny, “On how well you do in choosing appropriate wishes”

“Can I have a pizza?” asked Orlando hopefully

“What flavour?” enquired Johnny

“Um…vindaloo” said Orlando

Johnny waved his hands and a vindaloo pizza appeared.

“Sweet,” said Orlando tucking in, “I’m sorry if I smell by the way”

“If you smell?” wondered Johnny

“Yeah, ‘cause, you know, I haven’t showered for a couple days”

“Um, what do you do with your time then?” said Johnny

“Play video games and eat curry mostly” said Orlando

“You need to get yourself a girl mate,” said Johnny, “Unless you’ve already got one, and are unable to woo her otherwise. You’re not a eunuch are you?”

“Another possibility is that I’ve already found a girl, but she doesn’t like me, so I spend my time in my room playing video games” said Orlando shrugging

“Has it ever occurred to you that it doesn’t have to be a girl?” said Johnny, moving closer.

“I get what you’re saying,” said Orlando, “But not for love nor money”

“You haven’t tried the love yet” said Johnny. He moved in closer to Orlando and kissed him. Orlando dropped the pizza on the floor. Orlando didn’t know why, but he didn’t care that he’d only just met this person, that he was a guy, had magical powers and was really weird. He kissed him back, and began unzipping his trousers…


The End

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