Captain Jacques Bailey

March 6


That's all I have to say.

Okay, well, maybe I can be persuaded upon to expound. I'll go through this slowly; I don't want to miss anything.

So. For the past couple of days, my drawf and I have been happily sailing along on this deadly but beautiful body of water, living our spandex-incased lives, looking for these pirates who could help me reclaim my throne. This ship is small but very luxurious, kinda like my drawf's drawer. Today, as usual, I was in the ship's toilet, or, uh, head (that's what it's called on a ship? I dunno. Sailors and their nautical terms). It is an unusually spacious bathroom, with a jacuzzi, wall mirrors, marble everything. This drawf lives it up. I don't know how the ship stays afloat with all this junk.

Needless to say, I spend a disproportionately long time in this wonderful bathroom. And today, as I soaked in the jacuzzi (complete with rose petals--I found a jar of them in the cabinet), I heard a gun shot. Then I heard my drawf yelling.

Panicked, I quickly got up, wrapped a fluffy, monogrammed white towel around myself, and got out (leaving a trail of wet footprints in my wake). Quickly walking to the bow, I came face to face with the most handsome man of my life, who had been coming to search the rest of the ship.

He had wavy dark hair, tanned skin, and a very white smile. He was well muscled (but not grossly, like those bodybuilders), and lithe like a cat. And most importantly of all, he was not wearing spandex.

Anyway, so there I was, dripping wet, in a towel, standing very awkwardly. I think he was a little awkward himself. We stood there, looking at each other for a very long second before I remembered why I came out here in the first place. Then I got very angry with this incredibly hot person.

"Who are you?" I demanded. "And why did I hear a gunshot? What did you do to my drawf?"

"Relax," he said, raising his open palms and his eyebrows at the same time. "Your drawf is safe. I'm Captain Jacques Bailey, at your service." He swept me a pretty bow.

"You didn't answer all of my questions." I said, as coldly as I could while still in a towel.

"Well, we were going to rob your ship," he said matter-of-factly.


"We're pirates!" he said defensively. "And your ship does look very wealthy. That gunshot was only a warning shot, though. Your drawf tried to explain, but I'm afraid that I didn't listen. Forgive me," he added, as an afterthought.

Only one word of that explanation came through; I think I tuned out the rest. "Pirates?" I squeaked. "You are who we're looking for, then!"

"We are?" he said, confused. In his experience, people probably avoided him.

"Yes! Here, come on and I'll explain." Then I realized what I was wearing. "Actually, um, let me get dressed first. And you should probably release my drawf, too." I added as I sprinted back to the bathroom.

"Oh, right." he said.

I closed the bathroom door behind me and hyperventilated.

The End

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