Desperate Measures

Hello?” said Mrs. Hitchens, clutching the receiver like a banana. “Yes, hello, ma’am. I’ve got a boy in here who’s just been chased around by this angry vomit-covered pedophile.”

Why’d she have to call the police?” muttered Howw, dreading his imminent future of filling out consent forms and paying lawyer bills.

Professor Morpheus banged on the door and shouted in a muffled voice. “I’m not a pedophile! This child is merely neglecting his obedience lessons!”

Shut up, you rapist accountant!” Howw cried, wrapping his arms around his knees. “Horrible images have burned into my eyes because of you!”

The Professor continued to bang on the door, but Howw knew the man had to leave at some point or get arrested. Howw had overheard the officer on the phone saying that police cars would arrive in about 10 minutes. As far as Howw knew, the nearest police station was about 18 km away, which meant that the police would have to go at an average speed of around 108 km/h. That exceeded the speed limit by a considerable amount. According to the mean value theorem, their instantaneous speed had to equal their average speed at some point, meaning they would get a speeding ticket. It was simple calculus.

That gave him plenty of time. Howw raised his voice. “Mrs. Hitchens, can I use the bathroom?”

I don’t know, can you?” grumbled Mrs. Hitchens, who had abandoned the phone as soon as possible to minimize the amount of interpersonal conversation she had to do in one day.

Ma’am,” replied Howw, “with all due respect, I have just suffered a severely traumatic experience involving an accountant and throwup, and I would prefer it if you did not make jokes about my kidneys’ functionality.”

Hmph,” was all the old lady said.

So Howw ran a couple of search algorithms in his mind, matching bathroom-like characteristics to bathroom-looking rooms he had seen earlier. He found it to be the first door on the right.

Howw closed the door and walked up to the toilet. “Exterior product,” he said to the bowl.

A display panel on a mechanical arm extended itself from the deceptively clear water, followed by a silvery keyboard.

If I can’t have this formula, no one will, resolved Howw. He began typing some code into the toilet.

def bye_bye_formula(paper, tube)

  if tube.lebesgue_measure != PATH.length





But just then, he heard a siren outside.

Howw had forgotten that the police don’t ticket themselves.

The End

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