I've been conducting a study, (^that part means this is Hannah speaking, by the way. I was going to start off saying I'm Hannah, but you've already met me from the first chapter, so I assumed you'd still remember me.) Anyway, I am Hannah, and lately I've been conducting a study about the statistical usage of the different stalls in the Men's Room.
You see, when I was taking my break to use the ladies' room, (awful, disgusting place), I found myself entering a stall which seemed to have some pee on the seat. After squealing in disgust, I whirled around to confront the spritzer with my complaint, only to discover that, for some reason, the ladies' room HAS no spritzer! I continued on to the next stall, understandably quite disappointed.
I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this, because I'll bet everyone has thought it before -- the age-old question, (come on, say it with me now), "Which stall should I choose when I walk into a public restroom?" Because how do you know? Which stall is least likely to be filthy? Well, that answer is pretty obvious-- simply whichever stall is the least used. But therein lies the more difficult question: Which stall is least likely to be used? What are the most common factors that affect a person's choice of stall? Do they have a particular favorite stall that they always go to? Do they walk in and pick the first one available? Do they walk to the back first and pick the last one available? Or do they instead aim for the middle, perhaps hoping to avoid whichever one they perceive to be the most common? I never took Psychology in college, but I think that's what this is.
As I thought about all this, I realized the problem: There has never even been a scientific study on the matter! Probably because in order to do it, you'd have to set up a camera in the bathroom to record every patron's decision as they come in. Such a camera would be illegal in some places, and certainly frowned upon in others. Not to mention, it'd be boring to sit there and watch all the footage after it's been taken. But this puts me in such a perfect position! I stand in the Protagonize Men's Room for 8 hours a day anyway, so why not observe and take some data while I'm here?
When my study is finished, I hope to publish it in some important scientific magazine so that everyone in the world can benefit from it. (And make myself a nice heap of cash!) But in the meantime, I thought I'd share some of my findings with you.
For the ladies out there, I'll explain the layout of the Men's room. There are four stalls; the first three are regular and the last one is a handicap stall with extra leg room and handlebars. There's also a urinal, but no one ever uses it. (I keep hoping...) That big fourth stall tends to be a favorite for, shall we say, "longer visits". No surprise there. The two in the middle, interestingly, seem to be used fairly equally. I would have assumed that the second would be used more often than the third, given that the third has a broken door handle. Life's just full of fascinating little discoveries, isn't it?!
My first real surprise though, was how rarely the very first stall is used. I had assumed it would be one of the more favorite choices-- being the one closest to where I stand and do all my spritzing, it's bound to be the freshest of the four, right? Still, most people skip it and move on to one of the other three-- possibly because when they first enter the restroom, they're distracted for a few seconds by me (as some of them like to greet me, or if it's their first time visiting, some of them are apparently surprised to see me here). But, yes, whatever the reason, the first stall is by far the least used, although I do believe some people consider it a favorite. The Mexican cook, for example, Pepe Sucio... he uses the first stall nearly every day, no doubt for its consistent freshness.
So, in conclusion, (<- that part was practice for my scientific report), I highly recommend the first stall. It seems that most people avoid it, and in this particular bathroom, it definitely has the spritz advantage. But I would *not* advise using it after 9:00 in the morning and before noon, as it usually takes that amount of time to become fresh again after señor Sucio finishes.
The rest of my advice is mixed... on burrito days, or when the main menu item contains hot chili or beans, you know, days that would increase the number of "number two's" I would definitely avoid "stall number four" if you know what I mean! Ha-ha! Seriously though, it gets pretty bad. And sometimes all the other stalls are taken and there's no other choice. Like, I'll never forget the day the entire crew of the pirate ship The Pink Daffodil came in here, and I think they'd just eaten at the Protagonize Fish and Beef, and they smelled like rotting butt anyway, before they even went into the stalls! Splegh! And they occupied all the stalls for a solid hour! I had to give them each a full-body spritz-down before and after, and that's not counting all the in-stall spritzes between pirates. Cost me 11 bottles of Spencer's Spiffiest Spanish Spritz!
Sometimes I think people get a kick out of being disgusting in here, just to gross me out. I'm not sure about that though, it's just a vibe I get. Maybe I'm just self-conscious, but like, there was this one time... some guy like, left a dead body in there? And all of its blood had been somehow leaked out of it? I don't know WHAT that was all about, but it was REALLY gross. And I swear, I will quit, if one more set of twin lesbian ninjas comes in here and creates dopplegangers inside the stalls, and then they leave one at a time and I spritz them out the door, and then I think I'm alone, so I start singing to myself and checking out my bum in the mirror, all sexual like? Because I think I'm alone? And then the extra dopplegangers come out and, it's so embarrassing. Some people need to grow up. But I digress.
The real point is that, why does no one ever use the first stall? It probably gets about 50 spritzes per hour! But everyone just blindly walks in I guess, and picks the second or third one... think about this, people! This is for your own health, it's a simple matter of statistics and sanitation. And don't use the fourth stall on burrito days. I think that's all. The end. (I'm still working on a good ending, for the report, so any suggestions would be so helpful. *can't wait to publish this!!!*)