Don't Give Your Parents A Fake Phone Number

Dear Thomas,

I don't know your last name, but I know you have a brother and a pair of very caring parents. Sure, your parents don't really quite get that they're not leaving a message for their beloved son Thomas when my voicemail clearly states my name. Your brother is even nice enough to talk to... I've spoken to him far more than my own brother in the past six months.

The thing is... don't give your own family a fake number. That's really trashy. Sure, I had a very popular girl's fake phone number for a while. But that was understandable, even funny when I pretended to be her extraordinarily jealous, angry husband. But your parents, when they call me thinking it's you, are genuinely worried about you!

In the past two months, I have gotten seventeen phone calls from your family. And as much as I try to explain it to them, they do not understand that the phone number you gave them was actually mine. Hell, I even have them in my contact list under "Tom's Parents." Seriously, no joke, dude. I think I got furthest with your brother when he called a month ago and I explained it to him that YOU had given them my number. At least he stopped calling me.

Eighteen.

Tom, please call your parents. My ring tone is not amusing. I like the first five seconds of it, but since I no longer answer my phone when it's your parents, I have to hear the whole thing. TWICE. And since I never got around to changing the tone that plays when I have a voicemail (and your parents always leave a voicemail), I always have to listen to this funky Shaft-like theme song. Sure it makes me feel like Shaft, but that gets old after about a dozen times.

Whenever your father leaves a voicemail, he always ends it with, "I love you, son." And sometimes, "Please call us back, we're worried about you." I hope you understand the worry you put your parents through.

Why not be a good son and give them your real number?

Sincerely,
Jamey

PS - I hate you.

The End

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