I still remember the emptiness that overwhelmed her eyes. The lost expression on her face and the sadness in her long forgotten smile. I remember the darkness that had crept into my heart that day and took control of my soul, that allowed me to feel the venom, that allowed me to do the things I did long after I had found her,my little sister; broken, left defeated on the ground, covered in battle wounds and scars,looking smaller than ever.
The funeral lasted 56 minutes and 18 seconds, I only know this because keeping track of the time was the only thing I could do to take me away from the twisted fact that my sister was lying dead in a coffin 5ft away from me. My mother was at her worst state; her eyes had wrinkled and reddened to a worrying degree in the past week,her face pasty and crumbly with dry and unattended skin. Her eyes were filled with darkness and pain. They forever seemed to produce tears of poison as they trailed down her pale face. Her eyelids were heavy,suffering the load of the mist that gathered in front of her, the kind you would only get before you started to cry. It seemed to always be there. She had nightmares that filled her head at night that left her screaming for release. Anxiety and fear controlled her whole body as she shook during the entire event and I could not bare to see her collapse when she got up to leave,her feet falling underneath her,unable to carry her weak helpless body a moment longer.
But I am not here to sway your rigid belief system. I am not here to simply crave your attention and empathy. Judge me as you will, it matters not to me as I am a problem child. I am the graffiti on a park bench that you tut at. I am the grey clouds that spoil your summer afternoons. I am the crack in your windscreen in winter and I am a disease to society. But I do not care for any of it.
The only thing that really stays in my mind, the thing that really matters to me, is the bitter taste of my tears, pouring down my cheeks. I remember the wails, screams and cries I let out and still do to this day remember the frozen silence in which my sister hung from her bedroom ceiling for god knows how long, August 11,2010.