Not the Way

"So it's my dad? My real dad? My ... dad."

My words echoed round my brain. My mum was sitting opposite me looking scared, angry and uncomfortable. After a long pause she almost whispered

 "mmm. Yes your... real dad. Mikealo. Mikealo Ranger."

 I couldn't believe what she was saying. I looked at the news paper at the man on trial for murder of a 29 work college. He had the same long straight nose as me and looking closer the same dark slightly wavy hair. My farther a...a murderer?

"God Macey this wasn't the way I wanted you to find out." My mum's anxious look just made me more angry and frustrated. I felt like screaming and punching, kicking and tearing.

"Yes right you would of rather me never find out! You would of rather me not know myself! Who I am!" I screamed, "A murderer's kid that's who I am! A murderer's kid as bad as being a murderer! Keeping the truth from me doesn't stop it from being true!" my mum's tears spilled over like waterfalls on to her tanned cheeks, "Stop Macey! Stop I'm sorry! Course I would of told you chick. But I would have waited till you were older." Her pleading just angered me more. I could feel it boiling up inside me and rising up then over flowing as I screamed, "Why mum! Why keep me away from myself. This is part of who I am. Part of me!" My last words made me feel slightly sick as I said them.

"Of course it's not darling you can be who you want to be not who your father is."

 

I really felt like hitting her then a horrible thought seen as she was right I didn't have to be my father and she didn't need to of told me till now. But the sick thing was that I loved this, I loved staring over her I loved being in charge I loved the feeling in my bones, a power in my bones- the power to hurt. The power to be strong. And I hated myself for it.

 

I ran from the room a fire burning up inside me, but I think partly I was running from myself the horror I was being. But I didn't know then that wasn't the only horror of myself I had left to find out about. In my room I stood in the middle of the floor and breathed deeply my eyes closed the fire in me burning and liking my insides till they felt raw.  I felt like someone had planted a bomb in my brain and now it had gone of destroying everything I knew and understood about myself, leaving havoc, confusion and hatred in its place. I just stood there willing this to end wishing it was nightmare I would soon wake up from. But in truth the nightmare had only just begun.

The End

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