Collywobblekin's Testimony

(In walks Collywobblekin, short like his two brothers, long white beard, red cap and garb....)

Narrator:    Now listen to the story of a man named Colly, looked like Santy Claus, but a little bit smally, then one morning he was reading something lewd, then before he knew it, it was a family feud.  Feud, that is, big fight..drama time..it's Collerywobblekinnies!

Wicked E Witch:   (looking surprised) Not bad, Narrator!  Sounds familiar...anyhow....what's the matter now?

Bailiff:  It's the stenographer, Judge.

Wicked E Witch:  What?  The what? 

Narrator:  The stenographer's job, judge, as I thought you would know, is to write down what we say, to let the record show...

Wicked E Witch:   What?  Then call her a secretary, why don't you?  I swear with this job, all the caveat emptors and the habeus corpuses.  Now we're calling secretaries stencilcampofits.  I've had nearly enough of this case.  Why doesn't she speak for herself?

Bailiff:  (sheepishly baring his teeth and looking down at the ground) Uh...ma'am, you told me to go ahead and eat her two months ago.  So, since she's in my belly, only I can hear her.  Now, she talks through me.

Narrator:   So, the stenographer writes down every word, and then speaks ghostly through the wolf, boy this is getting absurd.  I swear on the chin on the bailiff's beardy beard beard, this story's gone from fairy tale to just plain old wierd.

Wicked E. Witch:  So, anyhow Bailiff, why can't she keep up?  and just how far is she behind?

Bailiff:  (the wolf's face contorts into that of a wolf imitating an owl):My name is Stella and I am the stenographer.  Tooooo many italics.  Toooo many bolds.   I can't keep scrolling up and down like this,

King:  (looks around) Stella?  Is that you?  I'd know that kitten voice anywhere.  Now that was quite a night!

Wicked E. Witch: (bangs her gavel repeatedly and looks irritated but can't help but show a little smile when she looks back at the king):  Well, "Stella" , what was the last thing you wrote?

the ghostly voice of Stella from the Bailiff, who's a wolf's, stomach:  OK, so I have this down, "The judge seemed nice at first but now she's a bit daft.  She reminds me of this leader I had once at daycamp who would be really nice during the day but then at night she'd smell like Dad's going out breath and yell at all of us.  Once I got in trouble..."

Morinda:  Hey!  We went to camp together.  Stella!  That's right!  (looks at King)  You were with Stella?  Don't touch me!

Wicked E. Witch:  Oh by the powers of Oz himself!  Call the danged witness!

(Collywobblekin takes the stand)

Wicked E. Witch:   Where were you Collywobblewoof, on the night of October 31, 1666?

Collywobblekin:  Muzzlemeeetuzzle ruzzlebedorf, tizzly tuzzle mizzle muzzle, dwarf dwarf dwarf

(The narrator starts laughing and the wicked witch points her gavel at him, the end of the wand sparking a bright blue arc as if electricity could shoot out of it any moment)

Narrator:  If I can offer a theory, no matter how meek, I don't think the witness has learned how to speak!

Rumplestilskin:  Oh yeah, now, that's true by', me and my brudder we took the English, but Colly he really liked to work with the pottery instead.  I can still remember the very first time he put together an ashtray.  'Member the pride inis voice as he brought'er home and said to Mom withis big brown peepers, "Yixlsplit Frumerdrumdrum".  Brings tears to me own peepers, it does dere.

Stumblebumpkin:  Oh yeah, he makes some nice stuff.  Real talent dere.  But, no, no, not much of talker, no.  Can't cook either.  Not even squash.  And all ya really got to do with the squash is put'er dere in the oven .  not much effort required at all dere, no.

Rumplestiskin:  Nope, that's true, not much of a cook or a talker dere.  Mum tried to teach him but he just liked that pottery.  Built himself a house out of clay dere and dat dere's somethin' when all you really see is your usual woods and straws and such dat.  I'm sure he made us some squash dere though, no, Stumby?

Stumblebumpkin:  Oh yeah, by', he sure and did, but that there squash dere was made out of clay.

Wicked E. Witch:  Baloney!  (bangs gavel)

Narrator:   Now I don't want to be bad the bearer of news, but I think Collywobble's gonna be singin the blues....

Collywobblekin:  Uzzleteetuzztuzz?

Wicked E. Witch:  (sigh)  Bailiff!

Bailiff:  Judge?

Wicked E. Witch:  Would you please, puhleeeeze, just eat this witness?

 

The End

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