Stumblebumpkin's Testimony

(In from the galleys comes ANOTHER Rumplestiltskin, same wrinkeled chin, same warty face but with a cocky swagger and smarmy smile)

Judge WIcked E WItch: (Peering over her glasses) Ah! Stumblebumpkin is it?

Stumblebumpkin: (Giving a greasy smile) Yearse! Tiz' I! The great Stumblebumpkin, purveyor of magical household tupperware yer honour!

Judge Wicked E Witch:(Grimaces) Really? Now that is sad! Narrator if you would be so kind! And a little less annoying?

Narrator:  Up on the stand stands old Rumplies' twin, he looks like a leper that was born in a bin, the story we see is spiked with a twist and if it carries on we'll all surely be pi-

Judge Wicked E WItch: Hey! Hey! Hey! Narrator! Theres children in here, you can't go around saying things like that!

Narrator: I was going to say pickeled your hounor!

Judge Wicked E WItch: Sure! (Rolls eyes) Well its your witness Rumplestiltskin, this had better be good!

(Rumplestiltskin begeins to pace in front of the stand casting an evil eye at Stumblebumpkin)

Rumplestiltskin: Stumblebumpkin, can you tell us your whereabouts on the 31st of October 1666?

Stumbelebumpkin: Well! I had stopped by mothers house (By the way Rumple she says she loves you and will have your socks knitted by tuesday).

Rumplestiltskin: (Hisses) Stumble!

Stumblebumpkin: And then I proceeded along my tupperware route! (Looks up at the Judge). Do you know Judge, that our tupperware keeps your toads and newts fresh for up to six hundred years? Our tupperware is so popular that it kept the Evil Queens poisonous apple at optimum deadliness long after she was dead and gone?

Rumplestiltskin: SO! You were no where near the Kings palace on the night in question?

Stumblebumpkin: No! I just told yer din't I?

Rumplestiltskin: No alibi?

Stumblebumpkin: What do I need an alibi for?

Rumplestiltskin: Your honour! It might not have been me! Who's to say? I've got two twin brothers, either of them could have taken my place and tried to....

Narrator:  DUH DUH!! DUH!

Rumplestiltskin: Frame me! (smiles and winks at the Narrator) Thanks Steve!

Narrator: No problem Rumple!

Rumplestiltskin: Your honour! I think there is a conspiricey to frame me!

Jury: GASP!

Judge Wicked E Witch: (Sighs) Why am I not surprised? Always someone trying to do someone else in in this town! I should of followed my brother in the beanstalk trade! First things first, is it actually possible to spin straw into gold? Do we have Forensics in here?

(A pixie is thrust into the air, he is clasped in the hands of an extremely agitated ogre who goes by the name of 'Big Ed", the Pixie is called "Frank", together they form CSI: Fairytale Land

Frank: Ahem...erm...yes your honour! It is possible...if you transfigure the on the crud tr-tr-trap analyzer you can generally...sys-sys-synthesise a good couple of m-m-metres of...

Judge Wicked E Witch: A simple yes or no Frank.

Frank: Ahem y-y-yes your honour!

Judge WIcked E WItch:  (Sighs) Finally! Rumplestiltskin can you weave straw into gold? And remember your under oath!

Rumplestiltskin: Yes your honour! Its a family trade! We were all taught!

Judge Wicked E Witch: (Rubs her temples) I swear you people are out to get me! So its a conspiricy! Carry on with your questioning!

Rumplestiltskin: Stumble, do you and I have a loving and wholesome family relationship?

Stumblestiltskin: No! I bloody hate you!

Rumplestiltskin: And why is that?

Stumblebumpkin: You stole my girlfriend ten years back! Oh lovely she was! Skin of the slimiest grey with sharpened teeth and a lovely house under a bridge! Argalbargal her name was and you nicked off with her!

Rumplestiltskin: (Turns to the Jury with a look of pure sorrow on his face) You see Fairytale creatures? My brother had all the means to take his revenge and could have done it at any time! He framed me! Identity fraud at its most foul! I ask you to look at the evidence and rule in my favor, after all how can you tell it was me when there is another two of me in the world!

Stumblebumpkin: Ya berk! I don't look anything like you! Your ugly!

Judge Wicked E Witch: Oh be quiet! Your both ugly! Anything else?

Rumplestiltskin: That’s all for now your honor! You may leave the stand! (grabs the Judge's gravel and bangs it once)

Judge Wicked E Witch: (grabs the gravel back) Only I can do that thank you very much! Any more of your impertinence and I'll feed you to the Bailiff!

(The bailiff straightens and licks his pointed teeth pointedly, a loud rumble issues from his stomach along with the voice of someone saying "Easy out there Wolfie or I'll give you indigestion again!")

Rumplestiltskin: (Looks nervously at the bailiff) I'd like to call my third brother Collywobblekin.





The End

33 comments about this story Feed