Rumplestiltskin's Testamony


The bailiff leads the defendant, Rumpelstiltskin, from the dock, his wrists and ankles manacled in long, clinking chains. He scowls at the jury and the public gallery, who respond with hisses and boos.

Narrator:   And now let the case for the defendant begin. He's awfully short, with a long wrinkly chin. He's covered in warts and he'll now take the stand. The ugliest minger in all of this land.

Judge Wicked E Witch:   Now come on Narrator, it's not your place to pass comment on the defendant's looks... or lack of them.  Or on any aspect of his character, come to that.

Narrator:   I humbly beg pardon, Your Honour, I do.  I looked for some good points but don't have a clue.   Let's see... it is said he is kind to his cat, and his mother loves him, there's no doubt about that.

Judge Wicked E Witch:   All this is irrelevant and I'd like to get this over with.   I have an appointment later in my chambers with...a certain royal gentleman. (she blushes rather prettily, turning her cheeks a fetching shade of greenish purple)   Now, will the defendant please state his name for the record?

Rumpelstiltskin:   I'm sorry, your honour, you have to guess my name.  It's the Rules.  I'm only allowed to say my own name when I'm up in a tower, spinning straw into gold, unobserved by anyone. Otherwise, terrible things will happen.

Judge Wicked E Witch:   Don't be so ridiculous! What rules?

Rumpelstiltskin:   The Fairy Tale Rules. I think Your Honour will find a set in her chambers.   That particular one is in.... (he strokes his long, wrinkled chin, pondering...) Volume 3, chapter 62.

Judge Wicked E Witch:   How preposterous. Well, sir, I have no intention of... guessing... your name,when it is quite clearly written on the order sheet.

Rumpelstiltskin:   Well, Your Honour, why did you ask then?

Judge Wicked E Witch:   Impudent wretch!  I have no time to argue with you.  The record will state that the defendant refused to give his name.   You had better hope that you are not found guilty, because that bit of foolishness has just added another fifty years to your sentence. (she ruffles her papers, looking cross.)   Mr Rumpelstiltskin, you have heard the charges against you.   What do you have to say in your defence?

Rumpelstiltskin:   I plead not guilty on the grounds of mistaken identity.   If it pleases Your Honour, I would like to call my first witness.   A character witness, Your Honour.

Judge Wicked E Witch:   It does not please me one bit, but I suppose I have to allow it.   Who is this character witness?

Rumpelstiltskin:   It is one of my two identical triplet brothers, Your Honour.   His name is Stumblebumpkin.  

The entire court gives a collective ''Gasp!'', surprised at this unexpected announcement.  Most of them had no idea that he had ONE brother, let alone two.  The bailiff shakes a fist at them, then, when the kerfuffle has died down, the defendant continues.

Rumpelstiltskin:   By the way, Your Honour, it's not against the Rules for me to say his name, but he's not allowed to say his own name either, so if you don't want another argument, best not to ask him, eh?

Judge Wicked E Witch:   (she sighs heavily)  This is becoming rather tiresome.  Very well, call Stumble...pumpkin, was it?

Rumpelstiltskin:   Bumpkin, Your Honour.

Judge Wicked E Witch:   Call Stumblebumpkin!

Bailiff:   Call Stumblebumpkin!

The End

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