Morinda's testamony

The bailiff ushers in a drop-dead-gorgeous young lady, who takes the witness stand,and the Narrator eagerly jumps up, ready to recite: 

Narrator:   Now hark to the tale of this maiden so fair, a beautiful maid with the goldest of hair. Oh, hear how this poor wench was used by her dad. A tale of such cruelty, it'll make you go mad...''

Wicked E Witch:   ENOUGH already with the rhyming! Can we just proceed without poetry?

Narrator:  Excuse me, Your Honour, for taking your time, but may I point out, I am paid by the rhyme. It is my true calling, for which I am trained, and no judge before you has ever complained.

Wicked E Witch:   Well at this rate, you're costing the State a fortune in rhyming fees. And may I point out that I'm the one in charge here! Now, will the witness please state her name for the record.

Morinda:   Please Your Honour, my name is Morinda Maria Melissa Millicent McGonagle Miller, Your Honour.

Wicked E Witch:   That's quite a handle. And what is your occupation?

Morinda:   Please, Your Honour, I'm a beautiful miller's daughter, Your Honour.

Wicked E Witch:   Conjecture!   It'll be for the Court to decide whether your father is beautiful or not.

Morinda:   Please, Your Honour, I meant it was ME who is beautiful, Your Honour. (twiddling her golden, wavy locks and batting her eyelashes at the Bailiff, who blushes to the roots of his fur and starts fidgeting)

Wicked E Witch:   And rather vain, it seems.  But that is also conjecture...

Narrator:   (leaping to his feet)  Your Honour, her beauty can be in no doubt. Just look at her lips, with their engaging pout. Her eyes are bright blue and her nose is so cute. Whatever you say, this young girl is a beaut!

Wicked E Witch:   Right!  One more word from you, I'll hold you in contempt, and you'll be out of here and into those dungeons, before you can say ''Fee Fi Fo Fum!''

(The Narrator opens his mouth to say more, then thinks better of it and sits down, glowering at the judge)

Wicked E Witch:  Now, Miss Miller, can you tell us in your own words what happened when you went into the King's employ?

Morinda:   Errm... Your Honour, excuse me but I don't know what that means...

Wicked E Witch:   (Under her breath) Give me strength!   Tell the court about what happened when you went to work at the palace.

Morinda:  Well, I went there, right?  And the King, he says to me, he says,  ''I understand from your father that you can spin straw into gold.''   And I didn't say I couldn't 'cause I was too scared, 'cause he was the king, right?   But I knew I couldn't 'cause my dad made that up, right?   Cause he's a greedy, evil git.   Anyway, he puts me up in this tower and there's a spinning wheel there, and loads and loads of smelly straw, and I was so upset that I cried and cried and cried.

Wicked E Witch:   Quite understandable in the circumstances, and what happened next?

Morinda:   Well – I missed a bit out.  The King said if I did it for three nights he'd marry me,and I got all excited, and stopped crying, because, lets face it that's quite exciting, isn't it?   And I started thinking about the wedding,and having lots of servants and nice clothes and carriages and lots of ice cream and stuff. But then I remembered that I couldn't do it so I started crying again.   Anyway, this little ugly, smelly, raggedy old man comes into the tower and asks me why I'm making such a racket, crying and that?  Right?   And I tell him and he says he'll do it for me. Imagine that!   He can actually spin straw into gold!   Of course, missus, I mean, Your Honour, I says yes.

Wicked E Witch:   And then what happened?

Morinda:   Well, then he drops this bombshell, doesn't he?

Wicked E Witch:   (tapping her fingers impatiently)   And the bombshell was?

Morinda:   Well he says that if he does do this thing for me, when I marry the King, I have to give him – the horrible little man, I mean - my firstborn son!  (she pauses for effect, fluttering her lashes at the jury, who confer excitedly.)

Wicked E Witch:   And how did you feel about this revelation?

Morinda:   Well, I wasn't that bothered about it, to tell you the truth, 'cause I'm not that bothered about having kids and ruining my figure and that, but then I thought the King might not be too happy about it, so I started crying again.   So he says, that if I guessed his name, this little bloke, he'll let me off the firstborn part.

Wicked E Witch:   And do you see this vile little man in court today?

Morinda: '  Course I do, Your Honour.  He's over there – Coo-eee - Mr Stiltskin!   (waggling her fingers at the prisoner in the dock, who scowls at her in return)

Wicked E Witch:   Well, I put it to you, Miss Miller, that you are a scheming hussy; that you conspired with Rumpelstiltskin, that you would marry the king, produce a child, hand it over to Rumpelstiltskin, who would then ransom the child for a ''King's Ransom''  and then the two of you would disappear together with the King's fortune.

Morinda:   No, that's just silly.  Why would I give up being a Queen for....that?  (she gestures dismissively at the prisoner.)

Wicked E Witch:   That remains to be seen.  You may leave the stand.  Bailiff - call the next witness.

Bailiff:  The King!

The End

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