“I can’t even look at you anymore.” His stone eyes didn’t even move.
What does that mean? I stared up at him, my optic nerves trying to take him in, wishing that the sorrow in my gaze would be enough to stop him. I hoped to God that there was more to it. I prayed that there would be some sort of sudden revelation in his clouded expression that would grant me some form of absolution. But there was nothing. He didn’t look at me, or even say goodbye. He simply turned the handle, opened the door, and walked out. I watched as the expressionless faces of my mother, my father, my brother, my sister, and even Evan Meriwether all turned their backs on me, and left me to rot in the dust.
He was gone, and that was it. I stared into the gaping mouth of the open doorway that devoured what little hope had remained in my heart, imploring God for his smiling face to reenter and reaffirm my faith in both love and the universe. But it never did. After an hour I went to back to bed, trying to find solace within the now-empty sheets, and slept through the entire next week.
I guess, deep down, I knew why he left. I knew why he couldn’t look at me anymore. I could barely look at myself now. I knew that it was solely because of the things I was doing- the things that he had done to me. He couldn’t share me anymore, even though I only did it because of him- for him.
Maybe even that was a lie. All of those men had taken pieces of myself from me- from Johnny even- and I hadn’t even tried to put up a fight at all. Maybe- just maybe- I did all those things because, truly, I knew that he didn’t love me. I knew that he was using me, and it hurt me so deeply that I tried to find what I wanted from him in anyone, everyone else. Maybe it was because the only thing I really loved was Tina, and the Needle, and the mounds of green paper that I received to supply my inexhaustible stash. But that day, and the following days, it didn’t matter how many times they penetrated my lungs and skin. There was no love left in my heart. My demons had finally won, and now I had no one to share them with.