I was about to doze off nibbling at my sweet, old friend. My wishbone is my constant companion, my lifeline, my sanity and my festive treat. She's been with me for years. She knows me and I know her. And today had been an especially exhausting day. So right after dinner, I snuggled in with my bottle of Wild Turkey, my recently purchased copy of that famed Vladimir Nabokov novel, and the peace and quiet of a September night in my old tin shack at Grasshopper Junction.
With a sweet sip of the good stuff, page one. I didn't even get to the first word, when the Westminster chimes of my well-priced doorbell rang.
"My Sainted Aunt?"
I went to the door and found nobody there, only a package wrapped in brown paper waiting for me to adopt it as something new of mine.
I have this thing about packages ... I just have to open them ... and when I opened this one, my life did take its turn.
Knowing my Aunt Sadie and her twisted sense of humour I opened it with great trepidation and at arms length. This almost proved catastrophic, for the large china vase contained inside near took off my big toe in its suicide leap from my fumbling fingers.
Gazing blearily at the fragments of my gift, I spotted a rolled up parchment that must have been hidden inside the vase. I unrolled it, read it and collapsed on my bunk, moaning and blindly reaching for the succour of alcohol. I came to myself some hours later and found I was still clutching the parchment.
“Certificate of Authenticity. Genuine Ming Dynasty Vase with pattern of Lilies and Cranes.”
I fetched my glue.