A short-story about depression.
“Please don’t ever feel like you’re all alone here. I’ll always be around when you need someone.”
I have turned these words over and over in my head a million times. Each and every time I end up decided I have no idea what to do with them.Anxiety builds up in my gut, making me fidget and crave for another cigarette to make it fuck off.I resist the urge to stand up and walk out of my room. I love walking, I go for walks all the time. Recently however, I found that I have been going outside to walk for the wrong reasons. Namely to see if she is down there, having fun with a group of friends who look at me with contempt or pity each time I pass by.She’s been talking to me a lot. Showing me care I have never known was there.But doubt clings to me. Whispering in my ear that her kind words and attention are simply because she feels sorry for the pitiful man who keeps to himself. That she does this out of obligation to help the weak, not out of genuine feeling.
I lay in my bed, looking around at the half empty room that I inhabit. It was not always like this. But now it seems like it always will be.Right now, I feel alone.But this is nothing compared to how lonely I feel when I am actually around people. It is quite common for me to go throughout my day, not one person ever sparing a glance in my direction, looking me in the eye, nodding to me, or smiling. I am invisible. I am not there. I am dead on the inside.
But she is there to remind me that this is not true, that I am still alive,that there is a spark left in me.She doesn't know this. Or maybe she does, and that is why she pities me even more? I look out the window to see the moon, to see the stars, and to see the occasional car pass by.I am numb to whatever feeling that normal people should feel. Am I abnormal? What if I am a normal person and everybody else around me are the crazy ones? What if I am so afraid and scared and lonely because I see the world for the horror that it really is? Happiness is an illusion, but so is pain.
I am stationed on an outpost on the wild frontier. All alone, waiting to be relieved. I do not know when that will happen, if it ever will.