Recently, I read through some old letters that you sent me. Exactly two years ago, you sent me your last letter. It was for our anniversary. You included a drawing of me and some adjectives you thought were fitting. You also drew a rose.
And you also drew another picture. The two of us were holding hands in front of a quaint little house on a sunny day. I was dressed in a blue shirt and jeans. You wore a red dress.
Red and blue.
In those letters, you wrote about how proud you were of us overcoming the obstacles of our relationship. You wrote about how confident you were about us and our future.
It always made me uneasy when you talked that way. Mostly because I felt you only believed it on the surface.
It was I who suggested we stop talking. The reason being that I was afraid of a repeat of the previous year. I couldn't do that again. You initially rejected the idea, but warmed up to it after a week or so. We both agreed that it would be best if we did things on our own this year. We always promised to reunite when it was over. But, again, I felt you only truly believed this on the surface.
I suppose I was right. But I'll never know for sure, since we never had a proper conversation after that.
I get feelings and ideas about people. I make theories as to what and who they really are. And usually I'm right. That winter was difficult for me because I realized that you were letting go. I don't know how I knew, I just felt it. And when we spoke briefly in January, I could hear it in your voice. It permeated every word you spoke to me. There were no more promises or secrets. Just two different people in two totally different worlds.
The connection we had before was gone. Realizing this, I resigned myself to the fact that it was time to let go.
I never understood exactly what happened that year. Why did you give up? Did you finally decide that the distance was too much? That it was just a waste of time? That can't be it. If it truly was just the distance, you would've at least made some kind of effort to tell me that maybe we'd be together again some day. Some day when all the obligations were gone.
No. I think it was something else. Something changed. And it was drastic enough for you to be able to shrug off our past and continue on without that emotional attachment.
From there, I can only guess. But it doesn't really matter. The fact is that the connection we had is lost forever. That alone is reason enough for me to keep going.
To keep moving on.