How to Piss People Off Properly

The art of "How to Piss People Off Properly" is one that takes a lifetime to truly perfect, however with a little bit of training people can begin to enjoy some success in the field almost instantaneously!

There are many different schools of thought out there on the topic, and quite frankly, the topic of this simple entry could be an entire book of its own. However I will do my best to provide you with a succinct and powerful overview of this timeless skill (please note that I am representing the Sattarian school of thought, considering it is the philosophical branch on the topic that I am most familiar with).

So, you're trying to properly piss someone off are you? Well, below I've listed ten sure fire tips that will get even your sweet Aunt Martha who has spent most of her life in a convent saying the type of words that will get you thrown out of a friendly family establishment (if you know what I mean).

1. Engage in as many activities as possible that the person you are trying to provoke dislikes
Some Examples: If they think the word "moist" is gross trying saying it over and over again while smacking your lips together, or if they have an aversion to feet, free your trotters and put them as close to the individual as possible.

2. If asked to stop, not only continue the behavior, but escalate it
Example: If someone doesn't like it when you don't shut off the sink properly, if you've been letting it drip and are asked to shut it off, now is the perfect time to let it start flowing like Victoria Falls. If you're dealing with a really rough case I might even suggest going out back and turning on the garden hose.

3. Make sure to bring up as many painful memories from the past as possible
Example: If the person accidentally ran over your cat, Mr. Whistle, and feels really bad about it. Try bringing it up and talking in an angry, bitter tone of voice

4. Make sure to act really kind to all of the person's friends and family members
Example: If you're trying to upset cousin Eddy, try being really nice to his wife, Harriet, so as to alienate Eddy in his frustrations when Harriet says she simply doesn't understand what Eddy is doing to make you so upset. It's apparent you're nice to everybody (except Eddy!).

5. Yell ceaselessly
Example: This one is pretty self-explanatory. Just yell-curse words, nonsense, whatever. Just make sure it is loud and preferably done in an annoying voice

6. Insult shallow, personal features
Example: If your boss has big ears talk about how big they are in playful, exaggerative terms (this is a great time to keep principle number 5 in mind!)

7. Incorporate the Partridge family into the mix
Example: If you have access to a computer, go to YouTube and start a playlist of Partridge Family songs and clips from the show. Granted, this will be painful for you as well, but a determined pisser-offer is willing to undergo some personal discomfort

8. Tackle the individual's insecurities
Example: If you know your best friend is self-conscious about his ability to play soccer. Bring up all the times he flubbed up the game for you and the rest of the team at your last indoor soccer match

9. Insult, demean, and otherwise put down the things that the individual really cares about (this will work particularly well for those altruistic folk who feel that you can do nothing to upset their calm)
Example: If they are involved in a particular charity or are devoted to a particular religion these make excellent targets.

10. Laugh at the person when they begin to show the signs of being pissed off.
Example: Few things will enrage a person more than when they finally blow and think they are going to show you a thing or two and all their efforts are reduced to simply causing you amusement. So, if your neighbor gets so angry she starts to say indecent things to you and throws her garbage can lids at you. Cover your mouth and giggle a little to yourself. Let her feel like you're trying to control yourself, but that her actions are so ridiculous you just can't help yourself. If you have friends with you, pointing and laughing together will help bring home the message

So, there you go. I hope that you enjoy and that those you use your knowledge upon do not!

Bons tip: any time these activities can be implemented on a Monday, results will most likely be heightened

The End

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