The Rules Of Office Work

Rule #1 All promotions are based on merit. Be aware of whether or not your current boss’ definition of merit includes short skirts, ample cleavage, and whether or not each potential candidate is related to the boss or, more importantly, the boss’ boss.

Rule #2 Coworkers are people you work with. Colleagues are people you work with and with whom you can complain about your boss. Be sure to know the difference.

Rule #3 If your boss needs something done five minutes ago, you should have it printed it up and laminated two hours ago. Assuming you really want that promotion.

Rule #4 The meeting agenda is an outline of things that will be discussed at the next meeting because this one will be taken up by Jim in accounting and his heroic fishing tale, accompanied by a PowerPoint presentation. Be aware of this ahead of time and bring a good book or comfortable pillow.

Rule #5 If the Marketing PowerPoint project slides look like they were created by a preschooler, they probably were. ‘Probably’ changes to ‘definitely’ if the presenter is known to have more than one child between the ages of three and five.

Rule #6 On every project team there is at least one person who is completely, utterly, totally useless. If you think otherwise, that person is you.

Rule #7 The more urgent the job, the more likely the photocopier will break down. Plan accordingly.

Rule #8 There is no such thing as a ‘quick question’ - beware the ‘quick question’ disguised as ‘Do you have a minute?’ The only acceptable response in either situation is to feign death.

Rule #9 Playing Business Buzzword Bingo at team meetings is acceptable behaviour. Yelling out ‘Bingo!’ when your manager finally says ‘synergy’ is not.

Rule #10 The corner office should not be your goal. Any desk that can be setup so that no-one else can see your monitor is. Enjoy your games of Solitaire in peace.

Rule #11 In every office there is a man with terrible body odour. Standard practice is as follows: A) Create a contest. B) Make sure the offending party wins said contest. C) Ensure that the prize basket is filled with sample deodorants, soaps, and colognes. If this fails, see Rule #15.

Rule #12 In every office there is a woman who wears too much perfume. It is not recommended to set off the fire sprinklers in order to ‘hose her off’. It is, however, suggested to ask ‘Who’s hiding the musk ox in heat?’ whenever she comes near. If this fails, see Rule #15.

Rule #13 Never miss a meeting. Any meeting you do not attend will consist entirely of you being blamed for everything that has gone wrong since the last meeting.

Rule #14 He who holds the key to the office supply cabinet is king. Get that key. See Rule #15 if necessary.

Rule #15 When in doubt: blackmail.

The End

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