Sorry about this one but it had to be written to help the entire human race.
Rule #1 Close eyes tightly before walking into the bathroom, so when you open them, it will seem brighter.
Rule #2 Reach down with “free” hand, to lift the lid
Rule #3 Reach down again to raise seat. *
Rule #3(a) Make sure to hold seat up while peeing, as you will not see it if it begins to fall, which could lead to severe and eternal damage.
Rule #4 Shoot for the middle of the bowl.
Rule #5 If no splashing sound is made, redirect quickly.
Rule #6 If sound of water on floor is heard, clench tightly, turn on bathroom light, and apologize to significant other immediately. + Then clean up floor with toilet paper (not a hand towel).
Rule #7 If splashing sound is heard, freeze, completely. DO NOT MOVE..AT ALL!
Rule #8 When sound stops, wait for two more, very short splashes.
Rule #9 Flush slowly, but do not hold too long or it will flood the toilet.
Rule #10 Return to room, and slide into bed gently, keeping last unexpected drip on boxers, turned away from significant other.
Amendment to rules: If your dreams have been..let’s say enticing...
Rule #11 Lift lid and seat, place one hand on wall in front of you.
Rule #12 Tilt over gently and pray for the best.
* It is the only thing that will save your marriage.
+ Apologize only for turning the light on and not for what just happened.