Rules For Peeing in the Middle of the Night if You are a Man.

Sorry about this one but it had to be written to help the entire human race.

Rule #1 Close eyes tightly before walking into the bathroom, so when you open them, it will seem brighter.

Rule #2 Reach down with “free” hand, to lift the lid

Rule #3 Reach down again to raise seat. *

Rule #3(a) Make sure to hold seat up while peeing, as you will not see it if it begins to fall, which could lead to severe and eternal damage.

Rule #4 Shoot for the middle of the bowl.

Rule #5 If no splashing sound is made, redirect quickly.

Rule #6 If sound of water on floor is heard, clench tightly, turn on bathroom light, and apologize to significant other immediately. + Then clean up floor with toilet paper (not a hand towel).

Rule #7 If splashing sound is heard, freeze, completely. DO NOT MOVE..AT ALL!

Rule #8 When sound stops, wait for two more, very short splashes. 

Rule #9 Flush slowly, but do not hold too long or it will flood the toilet.

Rule #10 Return to room, and slide into bed gently, keeping last unexpected drip on boxers, turned away from significant other.

Amendment to rules: If your dreams have been..let’s say enticing...

Rule #11 Lift lid and seat, place one hand on wall in front of you.

Rule #12 Tilt over gently and pray for the best.


* It is the only thing that will save your marriage.

+ Apologize only for turning the light on and not for what just happened. 


The End

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