The Northern Ireland Assembly: the Musical

The Democratic Unionist Party were getting excited, so they were. Their new leader, Peter Robsinson, was about to sing his inaugural song as the Province's First Minister, so he was.

However, there was a disturbance: the boys from the Ferndown Baptist Church had arrived, so they had. The two sides glared at each other, so they did.

As the First Minister arrived the boys from Ferndown all sang:

"And here's to you, Peter Robinson.

Jesus loves you more than you will know.

Wo wo wo."

The DUP ushered their man inside the building

Inside the new First Minister was greeted by the SDLP, who had a question about the National Grid.

"My friend works for the National Grid, Dr. Robert.

He'll be there any time of the day or night, Dr. Robert.

Dr. Robert: he's a new and better man,

He helps you to understand...Dr. Robert" sang Peter Robinson.

Next Sinn Fein had a question: when would there be a 32-county Ireland?

"Mamma Mia, here we go again.

My, my," sang Mr. Robinson.

A young Ulster Unionist was so impressed he actually considered switching allegiance from the UUP to the DUP.

"Each day I ask the stars up abup,

Why must I be a teenager in UUP?" he sang to an appreciative First Minister.

Suddenly the old First Minister, Ian Paisley, burst into the Assembly with a copy of his latest book, which he started aggressively to distribute amongst the Assembly Members.

"Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book - it took me years to write:

Will you take a look?

It's based on a manifesto by a man named O' Neil

And I need a job and I wanna be a Paperback Writer, so I do"

(at this point the entire DUP joined in as his chorus)

"Paperback Writer. Paperback Writer. Paperback Writer."

The SDLP challeneged Dr. Paisley at this point: wasn't his work all about hatred?

"Some people might take some pleasure out of hate,

Me I've enough already on my plate, so I have,

People might need some tension to relax..."

Dr. Paisley got out his Fender-Statton guitar at this time and his hair flopped over one eye as he whirled his arm round and struck the strings,

"I'm going Undergrind, I'm going Undergrind," he sang.

Sinn Fein were then complimented on how they'd moderated over the years. Gerry Adams got up.

"I've looked at life from both sides now," he sang with gusto.

A UUP member wondered with irritation which idiot had given Sinn Fein ideas above their station and let them in. She got up to sing.

"Now, why d'you have to go and put stars in their eyes?

It's the same old story but they didn't realise.

And it's a long long way from the West Belfast Karaoke machine

Saturday night's Republican dream," was her contribution.

The Alliance Party felt they'd been unnecessarily quiet and so got up to exercise their lungs, too.

"We can work it out! We can work it out!

Try and see it my way

- we can work it out and get it straight or say good night," sang Lord Allderdice. He was wearing a tight blue shiny suit with stars embroidered on it.

The UUP felt that it was time for the Alliance Party to come off the fence and place themselves firmly in the Unionist camp. But in a broad sense.

"Told you we'd be here for ever,

That we'd always be your friend -

You can stand under our umbrella.

You can stand under our umbrella - ella, ella -

Under our umbrella," sang the entire UUP chorus together.

Sinn Fein lost their temper at this blatant attempt to bolster the Union.

"I hate you so much right now!

I hate you so much right now!

AARGH!" they all sang in unison.

Everyone decided the time had come to take the heat out of the proceedings. They all turned to their leader and pointed at him as they sang the finale.

"Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter - aah aah oh wah,

Do you do you do you do you

Aah aah oh wah.

Watcha doing doing to me,

Aah aah oh wah."

The curtain then went down. There was only one man in the auditorium.

And he was fast asleep.

The End

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