She was sopposed to be the ace in life. The tricky one, the one or eleven, the shy, deep, logical, flirty, loud, crazy, spontinuitous girl. She was the free one, the one who could be both and have both.
So she couldn't figure out was the pain. Why did she feel like there was a sword in her chest, poisoned with regret, stabbing her from the inside out? Her loyal insight was betraying her, laying as idle as her body under the sheets. She had heard Carl sneak into Rachel's room, the room next door. The sweet funny blonde she wanted to get to know. She could hear them laughing together, their voices combined in a joyous harmony that made her stomach clench in an uncontrolable and unacceptable way. She was outraged, she couldn't understand these feelings. She wasn't going to allow temptation. It caused confusion.
She could make out the vibes of their quieted talk, their words rolling together undeciferable. Jealousy panged up and she had the urge to run in and join them, but why would she want to do that? She'd see Carl tomorrow. He'd run up to her from behind and throw his arms around her and make her laugh in a loud clear laugh that always suprised her. She smiled at the thought. They would go on their infamous hammack dates together for hours and laugh about awkwardness and try to read each other's minds. She rolled over about to close her eyes but a burst of laugher escaped through the wall and her throat seized up. She grabbed her journal and escaped from the room, her mind on fire.
She ran to the teacup, a small cozy closet in the wall on the way down to the craft room that only she knew about, and sought its comfort. Tears fired out of her eyes like bullets and hit like accusations. She wanted to unleash the hysterics, but the logical reasoning withheld her.
Why the hell was she sobbing? Carl was the escape artist when it came to sneaking out. He did it all the time and it really wasn't a big deal. Rachel was the sweetest girl and not someone to dislike over jealousy. The war raged on, splattering in wet drips on her bare thigh. She tried to quiet herself in the thought someone could hear her emotional sobs, and she tried to tell herself she really wanted to be alone. But that mind, that uncontrolable part that was unleashing rediculous tantrums was whispering pent up desires that he would hear. That he would know something was wrong and come looking for her. That he would find her and hold her and whisper into her soul the happiness she felt around him.
She could now picture so clearly picture his face, eyes lighting up on her smile, as she received a letter from her boyfriend. Her anticipation to open it cutting out her awareness of his reaction. Indicision flickered through her, and a wave of guilt hit like a tidal wave. She wasn't allowed to feel these things. She now felt so chained, and longed for freedom. His face blurred in her mind, except for his blue eyes. His smiling blue eyes that made her soul laugh inside.
And she thought of her boyfriend, the one far away who could always fix her and make her forget her problems, but never smile the way she did naturally around Carl. The nervousness in her stomach was getting to be too much and she opened her journal for a distraction, the easy way out. She relived tales of self accomplishment, tales of getting over restraining pasts, and excitement of upcoming challenges. She smiled as she lost herself in a world where everything was already written and solved and there was no indecision.
A creek from an unknown place jolted her into her current situation. She was recovered, sitting in a closet, the content duet mumbling had ceased and she wanted to sleep. She crept from the teacup, and about to slink into her room when the door next to her opened and a goddam smile lept from her unguarded lips. Her mind went blank as she sank into comfort. She found hands sliding into his as he slid past her and guided her down the stairs and into the barn soundlessly.
She found herself wrapped into his arms in a warm safe bubble and she didn't fight it. She let the warm ease into those coils of anxiety and unrest and the happiness fill her entirely. It bubbled inside as restless as caffine, and she asked playfully, "Shall we dance?"
And he responded by twirling her, and they began to waltz. She couldn't contain her energy as they twirled across the barn floor at some early hour in the morning. Her head tilted back and let the laugh dance from her soul into the night, and his eyes twinkled. He twirled her into his arms and held her close and sent a breath down her neck that sent her body into shivers.
They didn't look at the stars, or perhaps the rain splattering the green life. They held each other, swaying together and feeling the sparks cracking inside without whispering a word. There was nothing else in the world but breath and warmth as they pulled away. They locked eyes, and resisted that passionate urge to feel what the other's lips were like, because that wasn't what they were. They were friends. And like whisps he disappeared into the cool night air with her heart, and she up the stairs with rising hopes and an imbedded memory of his reassuring manly scent and a few bucket loads of denial. Perfection wasn't meant to be.