(Later that day, in Mortdale hospital)
George: Hey Greg, nice going on the first challenge.
Greg: Thanks, guess what George. I have a new buddy.
George: Really who?
Bastian: Hello, I believe you were the unlucky one Greg has been telling about who had six shotgun shells embedded into his stomach.
George: I prefer the term shot, but whatever floats your boat.
Greg: (to George alone so Bastian can't overhear them) So George how do you like Bastian?
George: Greg his a competitor, he could kill you.
Greg: He saved me actually. I trust this guy.
George: Oh well... (to bastian) you seem nice.
Bastian: Did you know our situation is like that of the film Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, or the Hunger Games? Or even Battle Royale, in fact the guy who played the teacher in that film was general lee from Takeshi's castle?
(You heard that right)
(Greg and Bastian blabber on leaving him out)
George: So anyway… out of hospital tomorrow you know?
Greg: Yeah that's great (continues talking to Bastian)
George: (Lying)I have err cancer…
(He is ignored)
George (thinking as Greg and Bastian leave without even saying goodbye) so this is what it's like to be Imogen. This sucks.
Greg: I'm going out with Bastian Daniel!
Daz: ALRITE WHATEVER!
Naz: Were alone now…
Daz: It's time to…
(They approach each other)
Naz: … phone calls.
(They begin dialling on phones)
Naz: I BET TEN MILLION POUNDS ON GREG WINNING!
Daz: NAH MATE LISTEN, KYLE WILL WIN, YEAH OKAY YOU PUT A 30 MILLION POUND BET ON HIM! AND IF HE LOSES… WHAT YEAH I GET ALL THE MONEY… OH ONLY IF GREG WINS… OKAY THEN!
(There is a knock at the door)
Daz: Who is it?
(Lake bounds right up to George, George being a professional Chavologist kicks him aside)
George: Ermm, is Greg in? Mr. err winters?
Daz: Nah and ya call me Daz, who am ya?
George: Daz, I'm George, Greg's friend. He must have told you about me?
George: (Stung): Then who did you think he was going to cinema with then?
Daz: Err… I dunno just friends in general (de-bunking his previous theory in his head that being the Anti-Chav he was Greg had developed imaginary friends)
George: So anyhow, where is he?
Daz: His gone to the cinema with some other guy called Bastian (too himself) so this Bastian is real as well…
George: (Muttering to himself): So he tells Daz Bastian;s name but not mine.
Daz: So anyhow can you get the fuck out now I'm busy.
George: With what?
Daz: GET OUT!
(Door slams in face)
George: Well he was polite guy.
Naz: We are gonna be so rich…
Daz: Greg is gonna win he has too…
(Another knock at door)
Daz: Oh, what now!
(Opens the door, Sarah and a group of Gingers are standing there)
Sarah: Hello Sir, would you like a ginger's for justice leaflet?
Daz: FUCK OFF!
(Door is slammed in her face)
Rhys (Next to Sarah): We have had that same reaction for the past 100 doors, you're gonna get yourself killed soon.
Sarah: Rhys why don't you just fuck off then, you're not ginger, you obviously don't care.
Rhys: But babe, you know why I date you don't ya!? You know my parents are ginger and just because my hair is black, I may not be ginger on the outside, but (points at heart) I'm ginger in here.
Sarah: Yes I know you're a ginger carrier just try and show some more support.
(The next day)
Daz: GREG! SECOND TASK! 11:00 ST. JOHN'S!
Richard (from the distance): ON IT’S PRONTO'S!
Wilhelmina: (also from distance): How do our voices even get heard from the vast spaces of distance between us and Greg, it's not physically possible.
Mrs Conrad: (also from distance) It’s pretty easy, especially when it comes to threats like this... GREG GET UP NOW OR ELSE!
Greg (feeling nervous): Okay I can do this… I can do this...
Naz: That's the spirit think about all that Mon… I mean friends and loving people waiting for you on the other side.
Daz: Yeah no pressure it's not like we've bet even more millions on you winning.(Naz pinches him) err... I mean good luck lad.
Greg: Thanks, guess it's time to go.
(He barely gets to the door when Mrs Conrad bursts in)
Daz: SHIT! What are you doing here!
Mrs Conrad: To lead the White View competitors to St. John's you absolute dim witted goblin.
Imogen: Hey Greg, I hear you and Bastian get on really well now.
Greg: Thanks, how are you doin'?
Imogen: Ugh, sums it up. Mum's been training me; it's been gruelling and exhausting.
Naz: (to Mrs Conrad): God that's horrible who trains and bets on their own daughter or cared for child to win? When they obviously don't like the attention?
Imogen: Does the word Hypocrite ring a bell with you?
Mrs Conrad: IMOGEN!
Imogen: Sorry mum I had too, the first time I said that.
Mrs Conrad: Well don't say it again.
Naz: What do you mean by the word hypocrite?
Imogen: I recognize your voice; we had a phone call from you yesterday betting 10 million pounds on Greg.
Greg: WHAT!? I told you guys I didn't want you betting on me it's putting me off...
Daz: Err... it ay true, of you go then Greg…
(The 5 competitors get into the back of Mrs Conrad's car, they speed off)
Imogen: Thank God mum's taking us to St. John's because I don't have a clue where it is.
Greg: Me too.
Gordon: What do you guys reckon the second challenge will be?
Elliot: Knowing St. John’s something dull and forgettable.
Asif: I know, no wonder we did not know where it was, because it so forgettable.
(They arrive; St. John's is a boring looking school, but on the pitch mass crowds have shown up)
Imogen: I can't see a thing, what's the challenge running?
Gordon: Oh thank God, I’ll be good at that… I mean err it's because I'm shape and bench like 20K a day you get me blad!
Elliot: Yes Gordon we do, anyhow, are the crowds supposed to stare at the pitch, or us?
Asif: Maybe they'll have us sword fight each other to the death!
Imogen: That's sounds St. John-ish and dull and un- original enough.
Mrs Conrad: Right, now get out the car and wait backstage, while I figure out what the task is…
(Mrs Conrad goes, they wait)
(Meanwhile in the stands)
Sarah: (Chanting) GINGERS FOR JUSTICE… GINGERS FOR JUSTICE…!
Official: Now why are you protesting?
Sarah: You just killed a few gingers, for SITTING DOWN!
Official: We were worried about the spread of the disease of Gingeraliltos.
George and Sarah: Oh for God's sake.
Chantelle: Told you that disease was real.
Jack: Anyhow glad to see your back George.
George: Thanks, still aches a little, but still I'm alive.
Ryan: Such a shame.
Ryan: You heard me, why couldn't you just die? There are too many none- chavs around now and I think it's having, an effect, on me. I haven't got laid in half an hour!
(Gasps of shock)
George: Oh you poor soul *Note the sarcasm*
Ryan: I know you should be sorry.
Florence; HEY GUYS I'M HERE!
Jack: Why don't you just speak louder, so it will attract the cameras?
Florence: Brilliant idea, ex-Boyfriend.
Andrew: Yeah great, all cameras on me.
Florence: No on me.
Andrew: Ha, ha, cameras were made to be mine.
Florence: No mine…
Thomas: Will you two shut up, everyone in the crowd is looking at you!
Florence: This is tremendous…
George: So has anyhow seen Lucy?
Dean: Nah, serves the bitch right, led us on.
George: I know that, but still… WAIT HERE SHE IS!
Charmaine: What are you wearing?
George: Lucy… you're… you're a…
Jaya: DA FUCK YOU'RE A NUN!
Lucy: I singed on yesterday
(Priest from the funerals from the past two scripts arrives)
Priest: A nun in Mortdale, I nearly died of shock!
Sanjay: Why are you here? I thought you priests were supposed to be against this killing for entertainment.
Priest: What… erm just came to make sure my new, well only nun, got here safely,care for some popcorn?
Thomas: Fuck morales then.
Aaron: This is Mortdale Whaddya expect?
Priest: You know, I agree with this dude.
Aaron: Thank you.
George: So anyhow, Lucy your boyfriend broke up with you, so you took a vow of celibacy for the rest of your life!
Chelsea: What's celibacy?
George: Vow of no sex for the rest of your life.
(All the chavs are nearly dead after hearing this)
Chantelle: WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
Lucy: It's my way of saying sorry, like this I can't hurt any more boys feelings, and I'll work for God and go to heaven.
Dean: Jeez, Lucy you are pathetic, becoming a nun after a break up, God the only thing that could top that overreaction is an Ex-Girlfriend joining Al-Qaeda to get revenge on their Ex-Boyfriend.
Florence: Brilliant idea!
Jack: Well done.
Dean: Sorry, jeez, and Lucy quit the good girl act, you're just pitiful.
Lucy (stung): God I can't seem to appease anyone lately guess I’ll have to say ten hail Mary's…
Mrs Conrad: Okay so I can say the Second challenge will be very, tightly action packed, if you get my drift.
Gordon: I DON'T LIKE IT!
Greg: Let's just get this other with.
(20 remaining competitors enter, in front of 20 holes dug into the earth, that the audience can now see)
Announcer: WELCOME MORTDALE, TO THE SECOND CHALLENGE OF THE PENTI-PRESENT TOURNAMENT! TODAY INSTEAD OF BEING ABOVE THE GROUND THE COMPETITORS WILL BE UNDERNEATH IT, AND CAMERAS. WILL RECORD IT FOR YOU ALL TO WATCH ON THESE BIG SCREENS!
Imogen: Oh yippee, no privacy wherever we go *Note the Sarcasm*
Announcer: AND THE TASK IS SIMPLE, REACH THE SINGLE EXIT AT THE END OF THE TUNNELS. THESE TUNNELS DUG UNDERNEATH THE FIELD OF ST. JOHN’S, THERE THE AUDIENCE CAN SEE THE FIRST 15 COMPETITORS TO EMERGE FROM THE HOLE WILL WIN!
Gordon: A race! Yes!
Announcer: OH BUT THERE'S MORE…
Announcer: THE TUNNELS WILL BE FILLED WITH CREEPY CRAWLIES AND POISONOUS ANIMALS, YES THERE ARE CHANCES YOU CAN DIE IF BIT, IF 5 COMPETITORS DIE THAN THE CHALLENGE WILL BE STOPPED AND THE REMAINING 15 WILL BE GIVEN POINTS OUT OF 50 FOR EACH FACTOR! HOW QUICKLY THEY REACH THE ENDING OF THE TUNNEL AND IN WHICH ORDER, AND HOW THEY NAVIGATE THE UNDERGROUND TUNNELS! AS YOU MUST GO DOWN CHASMS; AND UP CLIFFS,ALL IN THE PITCH BLACK! ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR THIS?
Kyle: I am so ready…
Leanne: (Singing) Let's go...
(Horn blares, the Competitors all run into their separate tunnels)
Greg: Shit, pitch black and fuck someone's coming this way... whose there!
(Someone bumps into Greg)
Imogen: Greg is that you?
Imogen: Greg? thank God it's you. Looks like these tunnels link to each other, we better move, don't want Kyle throwing a poisonous snake at us or something.
Greg: Good point let's go.
(The soon find themselves in a pit full of insects)
Greg: Shit, are these poisonous?
Imogen: No their defiantly just cockroaches, still I'm so glad were in a blackout I would dread to see how I look now, god this is like some sadistic bush tucker trail.
Greg: Imogen let me hold your hand.
Imogen: What did you say?
Greg: Let's hold hands, so we don't get separated, you know so we can feel each other?
Imogen: Oh… okay then.
(Their hands link in the dark)
Greg: Okay, we'll go slowly but... AH!
(Suddenly the both fall down some sort of chasm)
Greg: Shit my leg!
Imogen: Why is it whenever someone hurts themselves, it always hurts the damn legs?
Greg: Tell me about it, wait I can feel snake on my boot. (laughs) get the movie reference?
Imogen: Yeah hilarious Toy Story guru, wait a minute…
Greg: I think I can hear hissing…
Imogen: Greg you better get up! I CAN FEEL SNAKES!
Greg: SHIT I CAN FEEL A BODY!
Imogen: MOVE THEN FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
(They climb quickly aware of the snakes lashing at them, they miss, and Imogen and Greg go back to back to help them climb)
Greg: I hope the others are okay.
Imogen: I guess you have really grown on Bastian then?
Greg: Yeah, the body down that pit was defiantly a girl so it wasn't Bastian but still…
Imogen: Sick game huh?
Leanne: I know you're there…
(Can hear a whimpering in the dark)
Leanne: Right I am going to throttle you and…
(Gordon screams and runs past Leanne, though all the dangerous animals and screaming like a sissy reaches the end of tunnel)
Announcer: AND THE FIRST ONE OUT! GORDON HARRIS!
Gordon: What? wow!
(Leanne follows, and then Bastian followed closely by Kyle)
Kyle: I almost had you retard.
Bastian: You will have to save your threat for later, because I BEAT YOU! HA! I hope Greg’s alright though.
(Back in task)
Imogen: Were back on level ground.
Greg: I can see light y'all.
Imogen: Great, just past that trench full of eels, the killer bees and then the black widow spiders…
Greg: We'll have to run for it.
Imogen: (Holding his hand): Together.
Greg: Let's do this then and get outta here…
(They run, they pass the eels but Imogen is stung)
Imogen: Shit! I can't move!
(Greg scoops her up)
Greg: Almost there...
(They pass the bees but when the reach the Black widow spiders he comes…)
Sam (Mortdale Secondary Schooler): Eat Black Widow!
(He tries to shove Greg and Imogen to the ground, which he does, but Greg manages to swat the black widow away so it lands on Sam's face he screams as it bites him and the other spiders kill him with their venom, in the scuffle Greg picks up Imogen once again and they reach the surface)
Imogen: Well that's over. Poor kid back there though.
Greg: I really hate spiders now.
Bastian: Greg you're alive!
Greg: Bastian thank the lord our God you're safe!
Bastian: Yes well, Kyle did try and take me out, but I am crafty.
(They wait for the other competitors)
Announcer (as last competitor stumbles out the tunnel):WELL THAT'S IT FOLKS, THREE DEAD, TWO STILL IN TO BE ELIMINATED!
Thomas: Oh no! Asif has been eliminated!
(Asif and Wilhelmina have been eliminated and Mary, Sam and Ned are dead)
Asif: Well at least I am alive.
Sanajay: You made me proud.
Thomas: And I thought you would not succeeded past the first challenge, but I was mistaken.
Asif: Beg your pardon?
Mrs Conrad: Let's see that leader board.
Overall Results after Challenge 2
1st Leanne- 86
3rd Greg- 80
4th Bastian- 76
5th Gordon- 71
6th Elliot- 70
7th Imogen- 67
8th Claire- 52
10th David- 47
11th Harold- 40
12th Dave- 35
14th Boston- 18
15th Natasha- 12
Timmy: WHAT THE FUCK NATASHA!? you're at the bottom!
Natasha: Least I'm still in this.
Timmy: So am I, what are you trying to say?
Kyle: You won't be for much longer if you continue to bicker, you are irritating me.
Leanne: OMG man, never thought I'd be tied first with a psy… I mean fellow Black Crestor.
Harold: Yeah were all still in so... DOWN WITH WHITE VIEW! BLACK CREST ARE GONNA WIN THIS!
Daz: GREG WTF! YOU'RE IN THIRD STILL! YOU'RE NOT DOING THAT WELL!
Greg: Thanks Daniel even though I'm maintained my third place and am only 6 points from the leader, I have to agree I'm doing terrible.
Mrs Conrad: Imogen you've gone from 6th to 7th simply pathetic!
Imogen: Thanks Mum it really makes me feel great, that you've shown me so much support and praise.
Naz: Well come on then bab, excitement is over, for now.
Lucy: The next task is on Monday enjoy your weekend and may the lord be with you.
Dean: Oh dear.
Lucy: And now I shall read from Psalm 135…
Florence: Guys let's just go.
Wilhelmina: (Sobbing) Actually I would like you to say a prayer, for my dead friend Mary.
Lucy: Okay I won't make this too long…