It Only Takes Something Small

Today was extremely tiring.  I'm doing a concert with the ASO, and I was down in ATL for (no joke) six hours. Six hours for this thing.  Needless to say, I was tired as hell when I got home. 

I took a shower, laid down in bed, read a little bit, then fell asleep for a few hours.


I woke up around nine and checked my itouch.  The Facebook Feed was full since I hand't checked it at all.

I scrolled down the whole list, reading my friends' status posts and other random nonsense.

Then, I saw something.  A status message from a friend.  It read: "2 out of every 5 people marry their first love :)"

I lost it.  Completely.  Right there.  In my bed. 

I clutched my hair and wanted to scream at myself.  I withheld so that my parents wouldn't come running up to see what was the matter.  There was pain... and such overwhelming guilt that I felt sick to my stomach.  I looked over at the phone. 

She will never speak to me again...


I typed a comment under the status that read "3 out of 5 people don't >.<"

Why am I like this?  Shouldn't things be easier?  Why do I care so much?  Why do I keep inventing these stupid, impossible future scenarios that will NEVER happen?!

Will this carry over to college...?  What if it does?  What if it doesn't change anything?

I almost threw up just then from another enormous wave of guilt.  I've never felt so messed up. 

You're just like Dorian Grey.  You know what he did to his love, right?  The SAME thing you did, and she commited suicide.

I'm not... I'm not really like that... I'm not evil...

What you did was evil.  And what's worse, you did it to the person who's been closer than anyone else to you.  You say you hate yourself right now, but you really don't.  You have't truly hated yourself in years, and you know why.  It's because of her.  It's because of her that you don't really hate yourself.  She's the reason you have such a strong heart, and this is how you repay her?

I can't live with this guilt...

The End

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