The Little Things

cleaning out my computer ;)

The bride finally reached the groom, and the sweaty well-wishers sat down and prepared to fan themselves incessantly for the rest of the wedding. The pastor said some jargon, and the ladies in the front row kept crying.

Gerard loved weddings. LOVED ‘em. Especially outdoor ones. He sat only a few rows up from the back, and chuckled as one of the bridesmaids lifted her arms to subtly air out her pits.

He waited patiently for his favorite part...

“Blah blah blababallaahhh blahahaa babablahhh if anyone objects to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your--”

“WAAAIT!” Gerard shouted much louder than was necessary. As one, the crowd gasped. The bride’s mother screamed. The groom looked confused and a bit sheepish. The bride jumped slightly, but the veil managed to shield her undoubtedly shocked expression. The pastor did well, though-- he didn’t react a bit, and stared back at Gerard curiously.

When every eye was upon him, Gerard stood up and continued bellowing, “You can’t marry her!!! She’s pregnant with myyyyyyy baby!!!!!”

Gerard paused to appreciate the various degrees of horror on the people's faces. The old couple sitting directly in front of him were the funniest. The woman was covering her ears and crouching down, while attempting to scowl up at him. Next to her, the old man kept glancing back frantically from Gerard to the pastor, as if he were afraid the pastor might say, “would someone please escort this gentleman out?"

Gerard enjoyed the mumbling silence that followed, as he waited for the pastor to speak so that he could interrupt again.


“Sweetheart! BUTTERCUP!!! Don’t marry this man! You know you love me...” Gerard began to scoot awkwardly along the row of chairs toward the center aisle, bumping most of the knees and stepping on a few toes. "You said I was your teddy bear! You said you'd never love another man, and that you were only pleasuring him for the money! Take me back, my dearest love!" 

At this point, many of the guests began to yell things all at once. But it didn’t matter, because Gerard had already reached the aisle, and was striding his way to the front, still shouting.

"I'll do ANYTHING! You know I love you!"

The sweaty and now angry mob began to pour into the aisle behind him as he approached the two deer in headlights that were the bride and groom. The pastor started to say something, so Gerard had to keep shouting.

“STAND BACK!” he yelled, turning toward the rabble. “LET THIS CHILD OF GOD CHOOSE HER OWN DESTINY!!!!”

The people’s outrage was instantly overcome by their curiosity. The noise died down and they held still, waiting for the bride or the pastor, or really just anyone but Gerard, to say something.

Gerard swiftly and gingerly lifted the bride’s veil, and then screamed, “RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!” and sank his teeth into her neck.

He barely got any blood at all, because as soon as he bit her she made the FUNNIEST little gurgling screeching scream he’d ever heard in his life! He collapsed to the ground laughing uncontrollably, and at least grabbed her ankle so she couldn’t run away. 

The mob was on top of him now, and beginning to realize he was entirely indestructible. He stood up, took one last swig from the wound in the girl's neck, and then released her to the raging herd. “MY BAD!” he shouted. “Wrong girl.” Gerard squeezed out of their blood-splattered grips, and, making obvious glances at the sign in the church lawn, continued, 

SECOND Methodist Church!? Sheesh, how embarrassing! Sorry guys! MY BAD!” And with that, he jogged cheerfully away from the panting few who wanted to chase him, clutching his side and looking for a nice place to lie down and finish laughing. Humans.

The End

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