Letter #6


Sometimes although you do the right things, it feels like you've done the wrong thing. As a highly sentimental creature, this has never been truer than the days recently passed. 

Here, for the sake of closure, for the sake of catharsis, the story jumps ahead nearly 20 years. I will return to my previous tales, of becoming, of being undone, and how I came to be here.

You see, Anushka, although you may have been the first, you weren't the only love in my life, my life has already been rife with it. Some of my relationships have ended at my hands, others, I've had no choice over. Each part of my live has been broken by it. At the beginning and end of every romance there is a fissure that tends to separate these periods of my life. Sometimes, however, the severance isn't complete, and heart shards linger.  You for example, have always remained (although I have lost all hope of ever hearing from you again). 

Recently I took out a sledge hammer and I completed the severance of a more recent, forbidden romance. This was a romance over which I have presided for many a moon, but after being turned back time and time again as a second choice, a back up, the time finally came for me to walk away, without looking back. Months had passed, and I had assumed that I had burnt that particular bridge.

Of course, in such an unpredictable relationship, it was only a matter of time before once more I was in the thick of it. But rather than succumb to feelings, rather than allow myself to become a victim (such as I have been accused of), no, I chose to put an end to it. Of course, it's never as romantic in reality as it is in the films, in poetry or in books. No, giving up someone you love in life, for the sake of yourself is not courage. Maybe it is because I am a man, or perhaps it genuinely is because this is reality. 

I hadn't been prepared for the reaction, and to some extent, perhaps, I deserved it. Things that were said will remain, as they do. Fortunately I believe that it was predominantly in spite, not truth that such things were said. Even if it isn't the case, I have people around me willing to dispute such claims. 

You know Anushka, I'm getting better, and I think if you knew me now, well, you wouldn't be proud, but we'd be so much better. I'm happier more of the time. I'm trying harder, for myself and for everyone I have failed, because I know that no matter what pain I have caused, if I become a better person, I can fix something else. 

I know I'm not perfect Anushka, but as long as I try to make amends, I'll be a better person. I wish you'd reply, but then perhaps that would defeat the purpose of this exercise. I love you Anushka.


The End

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