Pete laughed, a huge belly laugh that almost made him spill his coffee.
“I'm...I'm not joking! Seriously. I know it sounds mad, but-”
“Oh, Jesus. I'm not questioning you,” he grinned at Robert, scratching the bristle on his chin. “I'm almost tempted to say I told you so. The look on your face is hilarious.”
“So...what? I'm not mad? Vampires...god. You're not going to tell me vampires exist and you've been hunting them for years?”
Pete took a deep breath and leant back.
“...vampires exist and I've been avoiding them for years, but they definetely fuckin' exist. Poor old Bet though. You was always a hopeless case, but this isn't going to be fun for either of you...”
“I...what? Hold on. Let me process this for a second.”
He wasn't given a moment. "I wasn't joking when I said this town was full of bloodsuckers, mate."
"I-I thought you were talking about the real estate people!"
"Who says they're mutually exclusive?," Pete muttered darkly into his coffee.
Robert's coffee shook in his hand. The caffiene couldn't be helping his state of shock.
"What do I do?"
"Nothing. You sit tight, you don't rock the boat."
Robert had expected some warped plan, some advice from Pete's wide experience. He didn't expect this.
" 'nless you want to stake her that, which won't be easy, plus the law will be on you like a pile of bricks if they find a woman with a stake through her heart in your house."
"But...you think I should just stay there? In...in the house with a vampire wife that, by the way, I couldn't stand to start with?"
"I know that well enough, woman's a nutcase, told you that from the start. Wait...hold on."
Robert waited whilst Pete zoned out a moment, his eyebrow raised.
"Mate, can I ask something?"
"...what? Do you have an idea?"
"What's vampire sex like?"
"What? Oh, for gods sake you pervert."
"Sorry! Sorry...Had to ask, like."
"Right. You were saying about what I should actually do...?"
"Sorry. Right, picture this: imagine your wife's temperamental, and you know that she's either going to snap at you or cry."
"Don't have to," Robert grumbled, "Why?"
"Now think- her emotions aren't going to be quite the same," he gestured with his hands. "And if she snaps now, when she's hungry...”
“Then...she's likely going to bite..."
Robert now leant back.
"And if you leave her, elope with your pretty lady or sunthin', she might sniff you out and kill you."
"Shit. Shit shit shit."
"Yeah. Right, she does know she's a vampire right?"
"I...I don't know"