Pete laughed, a huge belly laugh that almost made him spill his coffee.

I'm...I'm not joking! Seriously. I know it sounds mad, but-”

Oh, Jesus. I'm not questioning you,” he grinned at Robert, scratching the bristle on his chin. “I'm almost tempted to say I told you so. The look on your face is hilarious.”

So...what? I'm not mad? Vampires...god. You're not going to tell me vampires exist and you've been hunting them for years?”

Pete took a deep breath and leant back.

...vampires exist and I've been avoiding them for years, but they definetely fuckin' exist. Poor old Bet though. You was always a hopeless case, but this isn't going to be fun for either of you...”

I...what? Hold on. Let me process this for a second.”

He wasn't given a moment. "I wasn't joking when I said this town was full of bloodsuckers, mate."

"I-I thought you were talking about the real estate people!"

"Who says they're mutually exclusive?," Pete muttered darkly into his coffee.

Robert's coffee shook in his hand. The caffiene couldn't be helping his state of shock.

"What do I do?"

"Nothing. You sit tight, you don't rock the boat."

Robert had expected some warped plan, some advice from Pete's wide experience. He didn't expect this.


" 'nless you want to stake her that, which won't be easy, plus the law will be on you like a pile of bricks if they find a woman with a stake through her heart in your house."

" think I should just stay there? the house with a vampire wife that, by the way, I couldn't stand to start with?"

"I know that well enough, woman's a nutcase, told you that from the start. Wait...hold on."

Robert waited whilst Pete zoned out a moment, his eyebrow raised.

"Mate, can I ask something?"

"...what? Do you have an idea?"

He paused.

"What's vampire sex like?"

"What? Oh, for gods sake you pervert."

"Sorry! Sorry...Had to ask, like."

"Right. You were saying about what I should actually do...?"

"Sorry. Right, picture this: imagine your wife's temperamental, and you know that she's either going to snap at you or cry."

"Don't have to," Robert grumbled, "Why?"

"Now think- her emotions aren't going to be quite the same," he gestured with his hands. "And if she snaps now, when she's hungry...”

Then...she's likely going to bite..."

Robert now leant back.

"Oh Fuck"

Pete continued.

"And if you leave her, elope with your pretty lady or sunthin', she might sniff you out and kill you."

"Shit. Shit shit shit."

"Yeah. Right, she does know she's a vampire right?"

"I...I don't know"

"Well then...wait." Now Pete sat confused. "Shit, you can't exactly ask her that, can you? That might snap her."

The two sat in silence. An elderly couple walked past the windscreen, glancing nervously at the wrecked Toyota.

Pete? How the hell do you know about vampires?”

Ex in Scotland.”

Everything clicked into place.


Luckily, she fell down the stairs onto a sharpened cricket bat.”

Before his eyes, the shabby, grouchy Pete obtained a whole new respect from Robert. He grinned.

You didn't”

I know I didn't,” he winked, “And the pigs know I didn't. And that's what matters”.

They continued their discussion a long while, discussing possibilities, Pete's experience, Robert's capabilities, Betty's temperament. It had been a long time since they'd talked like this, but this occurrence gave them solid ground. It made them not just friends, but allies against a supernatural force.

They finished up later, Pete driving off and promising to call if he came up with any ideas, and Robert running off to finish some more errands.

It would be 4pm by the time he got back.

He hadn't remembered Janet was coming round to help him move at 5.

The End

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