I am tired of being a teenager. I'm ready to leave all the cattyness behind and just be. I am tired of my reckless horomones. I,m tired of want. I just need air. I just need to feel lighter. I feel so heavy. Apparently uncertainty carries weight.
I went outside. It was early September so it was still warm outside even at night but I still had a chill. I huddled close to the house. I watched again. I was always watching but never a participant. I watched more endless flirting. I watched playful punches between a group of boys. I watched social darwinism in action. Two boys were cutting down a scrawny girl.
So this was my life for three more years. I was trapped. For three years I would be the quiet girl ,after my life would be mine. I would do as the birds so and just fly away from here.
" Got a light?"
I was so lost in thought I didn't see him.I just shook my head. He was cute, no beautiful in a dark way. I found myself drowning in his icey blue eyes. If it was up to me I would have wanted him.
" It's colder then it should be out here" He remarked
His small talk was boring me. But it would be maschistic for me to go back in. I nodded at him just to be polite. I wasn't interested in hearing about the weather. I wanted to know why I couldn't just turn off my heart, let go, disconnect.
" Do you like him?" He asked
" Who?" I asked
I was suddenly alert. I gave him my full attention now. What did he think he knew about me?
" You keep staring at Michael Drake. I was just wondering what he did to capture your heart." He said
I laughed uneasily " No one can have my heart, not that easily anyway"
" So If a boy were to pursue you he would still have a chance.?"He asked
" I don't know why you would want it. There are so many other, prettier girls out there." I shook my head
" Maybe. Or maybe there's something your not seeing when you look in the mirror."
I probably should have told him he was barking up the wrong tree. But I needed the compliments. I needed to hear that it wasn't my looks keeping Lily away that if we were in a different life she just might pursue me.So I just laughed at him and smiled ear to ear.
" I'm going in it's cold. Your welcome to follow" I offered
" Just let me find a light and I just might take you up on that offer."
I nodded my head and slid the screen door open. I watched him stand still as a statue. I kept turning back to look at him. Something was drawing me back. I turned straight ahead before I pushed my luck to far and he looked back at me.