Don't Smile

"I was looking for you," Spencer said as we walked to school.

I kept as far away from him as possible without looking too strange. Not that it helped. I felt so strange that it probably translated on my whole appearance. So I just looked down at my feet.

"Um, I missed the bus."

"Oh," he said. "Then you found Travis?"

"He found me," I said softly. He didn't seem to hear.

"Look, Nicole," he said, grabbing my hand.

I'm not Nicole.

"I'm sorry about last night," he said.

I tried to look like I knew what he was talking about. I must've looked like an idiot, trying to decide whether to look upset or relieved about his apology.

He began to speak again. "I mean, I understand your decision. I know that I can't do anything about it, but you just never gave me a choice in this. I don't want to break up with you, Nicole. I love you."

I could've sworn my heart stopped.

"You're breaking up?" I asked him as if it really was his relationship, and not mine. Wait, it really wasn't mine. But it felt so much like it. It even made me feel like I always thought it would.

He seemed confused. "You broke up with me, remember? Last night?"

"What? No - "

His face lit up. "What do you mean 'no'?"

"I didn't - I mean, I'm not breaking up," was all I could come up with. I didn't regret it and it made me feel sick.

He smiled at me and it just made me feel worse.

"I love you," he said.

I wanted to make him take it back. But I wanted it so badly at the same time. I knew he was waiting for me to say it too. I couldn't.

You don't love me. You don't even know me.