Through fat, swollen eyes I began fluttering my eyelashes to awake my senses. While still trying to open up and stretch I rubbed my eyes with balled boney fists and sat up right. I hunched over, letting my hands and arms be lifeless between my legs and I watch them wishing to join their somewhat paralytic state. I licked my pink lips and tasted dried metal from biting too hard last night thinking of how time was moving utterly too fast now. Since Andy…
I shuttered at the thought of last night and I dropped my face into my hands and so desperately wished opposite what I have been wishing. I was wishing that I can move on and know Andy is the lucky one. But now, I’m being selfish and I whispered, “I wish I can see Andy.”
I want it so badly but I knew there was no absolute way it was ever going to be true in the least bit of my low hope. Today is Friday. The day I always skip school.
I let my hands drop and I stared at the wall for a few seconds. Taking in that I knew I was still alive. I brushed off the covers of my bed and turned towards my right about to face the head of the bed but instead I see another kind of bowed head.
My heart felt like it exploded inside my chest and still beats while I am in the middle of a mind race. I see his perfect face.
No, no, no, no. No!
He pats himself and he looks to me. This cannot be who I think it is. It can never be him. He stood and walked to me but I flinched away and edged to my gun.
He grabbed my sliced wrist.
His hands so firm and strong like I know. I look up and his face is still pale, his lip still pierced, his eyes still a gorgeous light blue, with dark circles, his hair black and flat while they mystically hung in his face shadowing him.
“Andy?” I asked in a pitch of hopefulness.
His eyes wide and happy. “Jamie, you can see me.”
I rose with great happiness then I frowned. I bowed my head.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I’m dreaming.” I try to conclude. For a moment I wanted to still live.
“No, you’re not. Jamie…” he said. “I am Andy. Andy Bare, your friend who loves you.”
“He’s dead.” She barked in a whisper out of dismay not rage.
“I know I’m dead, Jamie,” he said. “I’m not in my body, because I’m an in-between.”
“Like the realm that is neither Heaven, nor Earth?” I asked.
“Yes.” He answered.
“Andy,” I accepted, he was with me now. “How long have you been watching everyone?”
He swallowed. I widened my eyes afraid of how long he has seen everyone suffer. “Since the funeral.”
I couldn’t help but embrace him so tightly. He saw everything I’ve done and heard everything I said and he was right there listening while I couldn’t directly say “I love you” to his beautiful face. I fall into his arms as he drags me to the bed and we lay horizontal on the bed. I held my arms between us like a shield but he still surrounds me peacefully. I rested my head on his shoulder that wasn’t touching the bed, and let him hold me.
His lips were to my ear, “You looked so beautiful at my funeral. I love how that dress draped your body in the black abyss it was.”
I giggled. I admit the dress was a little puffy and lacey.
“Jamie, the way you walked away with my grandmother and you shivered….”
I remember that shiver, I felt a cold bust of air inside me and passed through me like I had holes in my being and then it slipped out the exit wound and I was left with warm tears.
“I tried to hold you, but I went pass you and fell to the ground. Jamie….i swore so badly I don’t think GOD will let me in heaven cause of the words I said when I hit the ground.” I giggled. We have our moments when we explode into words. I giggled with tears in my neck.
“I was with you last night.” He said keeping his soft lips to my ear. “You were listening to Photograph by Nickleback. While you screamed, I tried to comfort you, but you kept having like some sort of mini SPA.” He joked, I laughed along with him. It was good to have him back.
Back…. Andy is back. And Andy is here with me, right now, and in his strong arms, I have him all to myself. I smiled at the idea of holding Andy. I have my Andy back….it’s like losing a child and then you find it alone in a creek crying.
“Jamie?” Andy asked still close to me and whispering in my pierced ear. “Do you still have that Evanescence song, October?”
I answered yes and he wanted me to play it once and so I did.
The guitar played like a waving ocean, and Amy Lee’s voice echoed so beautifully. We lay listening and Andy whispered the song into my ear. The long song seemed over in only just thirty seconds but I guess its sign I needed to get ready. I undress and get dressed again. I dress in neon green fishnet stockings, purple converses, a pink and green layered tutu, with a blue and black stripped tank top, a metal studded belt around my waist, a black choker with a Hello Kitty choker, multiple earrings in each ear, pale lips, dark eyes, and I drew stitches over my left breast. My hair was pumped up naturally so I only had to brush it, and the finishing touch is a neon lime green bow.
“You’re boring?” Andy asked.
I looked down at myself and shrugged my shoulders. He reached out his hand…I took it feeling no heat, not coldness, but it was there, and as we exited out my house, I quickly grabbed my black duffel bag filled with thin notebooks. No one was home, I had no one to say goodbye to.
I walked down the sidewalk holding Andy’s hand and aimed for the preschool. The cross-metal-wired fence was easy to climb and I sat against it inside the playground around a corner of the building where I was hidden but I could see everything that happened. Andy only had to walk through the fence and sit anywhere. He sat beside me as I wrote in my notebook and I listened to my iPod.
He said he could hear it if both buds were in my ear so it would only look normal for me to have both in my ear instead of one hovering in midair beside my head.
I felt alive again…..to hear, see, feel, and smell Andy again. He is everything I breathe…. He’s the one that helped me through so much, he’s my savior.
“Excuse me,” a small voice came to me. I looked up and there was a little girl where pink shorts and a pink tank top with glittery flowers. “Are you a pixie?” she asked.
For the fun of it, I said, “Yes, yes I am.”
Andy smiled at me but I kept my eyes to the girl. “Can you do magic?” she asked.
I smiled too and said, “No, Magic is for the fairies, pixies cast spells of good luck.” I clarified.
The little girl shifted her head around me….observing me. “Do you have good luck?” I admitted that I did for the moment. “Why do you ask?” I wonder.
“You have scratches on your arms….are you ok?” she asked.
I was taken back. This little caring girl….she worries about my safety, and doesn’t even know my name; remarkable….she is exactly like Andy….caring before knowing that person’s name. Tears escaped without my permission and I smiled. “Yes, yeah, I’m very much ok.” I assured her. “I’ve just had a few mess ups in a spell I was experimenting on.”
“Can you please make a spell for me?” she asked.
“I can try my best, now what do you want me to do?” I asked her playing along. She probably wanted a chocolate bar or some candy.
“I want you to make that boy Andy Bare to come back.” She wished.
My mouth dropped. Who is this girl? She licked her lips and tried not to cry. “He helped me from my teacher’s abuse. She was very mean to the children and the principle was, as Andy said, ‘blinded by lust’, and didn’t do anything about it. Then when I heard about him dying, I went to his funeral and I remember seeing you. You looked like a Pixie still.”
“What is your name?” I asked her.
“Anne. Anne Cell.” She answered.
I remember Andy saying to me that in sixth grade he encountered this girl here and she wanted Andy to help her with their teacher. This must be the girl he talked about.
I turned to my side. Andy was smiling and said, “Make her want to see me and say it’s Magic but it’s our secret. She’s good at keeping secrets.”
I looked to Anne. I got to my knees and wiped away her tears. “I can bring Andy back, but you have to absolutely promise me not to tell anyone else. Ok?”
“Promise.” She agreed.
“Now, Anne, what I want you to do is close your eyes,” she did as I told her. “and I want you to believe that Andy will be here, I need you to absolutely want Andy to be here and to give you a hug.” Her face cringed with joy and hope.
“Now, open your eyes!” I say enthusiastically.
She opens her little baby eyes and she yelps briefly and runs into Andy’s arms. They embraced. “Andy! I missed you!”
“I missed you too Anne. How’s the school now?” he asked comfortably.
“School is fun now, we have a new teacher and she is very nice, and she offers help to anyone who needs it. I’m actually having more good grades and my parents are proud now.” Anne replied. “That’s good, Anne.” Andy said. “I just need you to be strong, ok? Even my friend, Jamie the Pixie has to be strong. She’s had it rough too but she’s….improving.” Andy lied. I wasn’t improving my coping with the memories, fights, and even thought Andy is here, he is still dead. I can’t get over the fact some monster took his life and for over what? What could he have hoped to gain?
Both schools were over by two-thirty. I climbed out of the preschool, and began walking down the sidewalk. Nowhere in particular just walking, it means I’m away from my parents and I’m with Andy.
“Andy?” I asked him.
“Do you know who your murderer is?”
“Yes, yes I do.” He began to fight tears from his eyes and he told me.