Chapter 14

"My will is yours," I heard myself repeating in a flat, monotone voice.

Henry lay down on his front opposite me and stared into my eyes, deeper and deeper until the background of my mind was like the background of a computer screen on which the wallpaper was leaves on a green background; leaves which formed spirals that were chains and bound my will so tightly that Henry could change who I was with a word.

"Tell Arthur you do not love him," Henry commanded in a voice that was no longer musical and pleasant but instead cold and authoritative. He knew he'd captured my will and had power over it.

"Yes, master," I heard myself saying.

"Walk away from him and never look for him again."

"Yes, master."

"Tell him your life is worth more than anything he will make it out to be."

"Yes, master."

Henry closed his eyes and sagged. He clicked his fingers as he lay there on the grass, moaning quietly.

I was able to control my thoughts and actions again. What happened next, however, was completely unexpected. I burst into tears.

"You bound my will," I sobbed, not really noticing what I was saying. "You bound my will! You forced it: you! How can you say you love me? How?! You ... you..." I couldn't think of a word bad enough.

I lay there and sobbed.

"I hate you, despise you, detest you, abhor you, oh gosh, I can't think of enough words to describe the way I feel right now! You're evil, I can't bear to be near you - I really can't!" I sat up and turned to face the tree but continued to address Henry. "You're loathsome and foul and cruel, malicious, horrible, malevolent; you've committed an unspeakable crime against nature and society - you should be locked up! You forced my will..."

I cried even harder. Henry was still lying on the ground moaning.

"Do you hear me?!" I shouted. "Do you hear me you monster, you creep?! You controlling little jerk! You're nothing! Nothing! Nothing you ever do will make up for this! You're scum! Slime! It's a wonder no one's tried to spray you with disinfectant, you nasty little bacteria! You're a pathogen and you've poisoned my mind! You've forever tainted me by making me feel this way! Your life is worthless! I don't want to know you anymore but I'm cursed to live my life having encountered pure evil. You say Arthur was going to destroy me: well, you lied! You've destroyed me, you've ruined my life; I will never ever forgive you, you twisted piece of filth!"

"Harriet, you should go. Get away from me. Go back to normality else you'll go insane."

"And whose fault is that? I can't go back to normality because my life's been turned upside down. I will go insane and then I'll lose the future I once had. I'll see you when you come to visit me at the lunatic asylum in a decade. I still won't forgive you then."

"Harriet, go!"

I stood up, still crying and turned to go back to lessons. Before I went, I kicked Henry, like the piece of dirt he was. Again and again. I rolled him over onto his back and kicked him repeatedly where it hurt. I ignored his face which convulsed like pain and wanted to hurt him more.

"What hurts you the most?" I asked, still kicking him.

"You're ... killing me ... already," Henry gasped.

"Good. The evil will be removed from the world."



"You can hurt me more another way."

I knelt down, interested.

"Break me completely," he said, looking totally serious. "I deserve it."

"How?" I asked.

"Tell me you don't love me."

"You know I don't. I never have and I never will! You're not worth loving. You're pathetic."

 I then decided to be very spiteful.

I helped Henry into a sitting position and kissed him.

He pushed me away, crying, "No!"

"I hate you so much," I said. "A loveless kiss is just what you deserve."

"You're ripping my heart to shreds," he moaned.

"I know. Let's rip it up completely, shall we?"

I kissed him, simultaneously showing him what he was losing forever and conveying my hatred for him.

He tried to push me away but I held his wrists down by his sides. I could feel his tears; almost taste his longing for me to be his.

I finally broke away and slapped him as hard as I could.

I stood up and kicked him to the floor before walking to the bathroom of the nearest building to clean myself up.


Torture. Unimaginable pain. The worst agony was not the physical one but the collected pain of the shame, the guilt and the reminder of what I was losing when Harriet kissed me. She totally broke me. She could have snapped me in two.

I don't blame her for torturing me. After all, I tortured her. All those things she said about being tainted and unable to return to normality, she was right. I could have driven her insane.

I could have driven the one I love insane...

            Though Harriet's punishment has finished, the strife continues. I'll never be able to escape it. I'm scared. Of the years ahead, the unfading hurt, the person I've become. The life I'll lead will hardly be a life at all.

All this terrible knowledge, all of these terrible emotions, all this awful pain ... makes me wonder if life is worth living anymore.


                I walked to my next lesson a different person.


            I'm dead. I must be dead.


                All the words in my head are expletives; all the vicious, violent things I'm thinking are directed at Henry. I wish he could hear them


            I have to have killed some part of me.


                I can't focus on lessons. Everyone looks concerned. I'm just a mass of hate. Every inch of me is full of loathing.


            I should be dead. I deserve to die! Why am I not dead?!


                Sara and Beth look frightened. I ignore their anxious stares. Everyone is staring. Stop looking at me!


            I SHOULD BE DEAD!


                Why won't the whole world just go away?!


            Why won't the world just let me go?!


                In my head, I'm screaming at the class, I'm screaming at the world. Leave me alone! Just LEAVE ME ALONE!


            I can't be alive; I must be dead.

The End

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