James's anger leaves me baffled. I'd never seen him like this. Not when his accident happened, no matter how many times I apologized. Not when he didn't make captain for one of his teams.
James is the happy triplet and despite his obvious show of anger and confusion, I can't stop seeing him as my innocent brother. These thoughts flood my mind as I pace back and forth on the same patch of floor beside the bed. The sky is nearly blue now, the last few streaks of orangey-red sky fading quickly. My brother must have visited on his own, since no one else has come after him.
When high school started, James, Leah, and I had gone off on our own separate ways. He'd become a jock, escaping from all of us and Leah became the perfect child, leaving me alone to deal with the stresses that no one else appeared to have problems with. I used to stay up late at night, fearful of the nightmares that usually welcomed me into their deceiving arms by reminding me of the happy, childhood memories. I would remember how we challenged the world as one, using the unique bond of triplets as our guide in the ever-changing environment around us.
Had I been the only one missing those times, or was my brother holding out the same hope all along? If I hadn't of jumped off my balcony, letting go of all the strings that held me back, what would have happened?
I stop pacing and let out a sharp breath.
"Why were you so complicated?" I ask my sleeping body. "Why were you so blind?"
But maybe I wasn't blind, maybe I'd seen everything. Maybe I felt everything too clearly without thinking anything through... without consulting those who maybe felt the pressures too.
I give the sleeping stranger in front of me a critical once-over. Who was I? Someone who ran away, wishing that she knew all the answers but feared all the questions instead? I take in the perfectly trimmed long, blond hair. I see the small beauty mark under my eye and the arched eyebrows that are now becoming uncontrolled due to lack of plucking. My lips, naturally peachy, are puckered and I subconsciously touch my ghostly ones. How did the world see me if I saw it the way I did? I waited for years, my whole life, to know what everything meant--taking the questions of childhood with me as I grew up.
A small tinkling of bells draws my attention away from my body. I look at the door expectantly but no one comes through. No one peeks in with curiosity.
Ding, ding, ding.
I take my eyes off the door and look out the window behind me, but again I see nothing out of the normal, just ambulances and cars slowly driving up and down the winding entrance of the hospital.
Ding, ding, ding.
"Hello?" I say, walking to the centre of the room. "Who's doing this? What do you want?"
The light in the room dims and my heart palpitates with nerves. The memories of the dark place that I had visited the night before and all that I had seen flit through my mind, making me freeze at the thought.
Then a spot on the purple wall lights up. The sudden brightness burns my eyes, but I squint through it as letters start to appear. My eyes adapt to the light and I walk closer to the wall. Finally I'm close enough to touch the wall with my fingers and the words are cool against my small hand.
Then, as quickly as they appeared, the words disappear. The lighting of the room becomes normal once more and the world resumes its ignorance. I place my forehead on the wall, feeling the vibrations of the t.v. from the neighbouring room. The door opens quietly behind me as I close my eyes, I can't look at the anger of whoever is visiting me.
Before I even hear her voice, the scent of her coconut body spray gives her identity away. "Hey Vicki," she says softly, pulling the chair beside the wall closer to the bed. I turn and see her perfectly layered blond hair and unique, emerald green eyes. Large brown aviators sit on her head and her small shoulders are slouched in a way that oddly reminds me of us as kids. She puts her large Coach purse beside her on the floor and crosses her tanned legs. "I'm here," she shrugs with one shoulder, the way that she always does when she's trying to hide her true feelings. "I'm here Vicki."
Leah looks broken and for a split second I see that she too is waiting for something to happen.