So now I pass him in the hallways. He’s still gorgeous, I’m still smiling. I wonder if he’s hiding the pain, or if I haven’t crossed his mind.I think about how much I’ve changed because of him. I wonder if he’ll ever tell me I changed him.
Sometimes I wonder if he is out of my life for good. Sometimes I think of calling him, bringing back the good times, but I think how much he hurt me, and if maybe leaving the ends untied and messy is the painless way out of it. I know I’ll still think of him, I know he was something special. I think of him as someone from my past who changed my way of thinking and taught me to live a little fuller, and I will remember him fondly but will not bring him back.
I still follow in his mind sake, I enjoy living life to the fullest, but I haven’t lost myself. I still want to experiment, I still want to fall in love and get hurt and laugh.I am not afraid to break the rules. I know how to laugh off guilt and live life carefree. The odd thing is, i feel as though he's always with me, watching the good girl turn into the badass he was. And i smile, because i enjoy it. I want to live the width of life, the way he did.
I know he made me a better person. He gave me a reason to see the good in myself. He needed me. Shut down and cold, he needed someone warm and open, unstably vulnerable to show him how to love himself. The person who could handle everything needed someone to look at him with complete admiration. It took me a while to realize it, but it was reciprocated. And I learned to see what he saw. Despite what he now thinks, I still see the good side of things.
So no, I don’t go to parties like him, I’m not popular, and I don’t break someone’s heart because I can. Yet people love me. They love me because I love myself. They love me because I love them, and I am honest, and will always be reliable if they treat me like an equal. I know everyone needs someone grounded in his or her lives, and although not glamorous and well known, I am the one with true love, that will keep people going.
He never blocked me on facebook. I went on his page and the first thing that pops out is a string of pictures across the top, us smiling and laughing together in each one. Perhaps that says something, I mean so much to him he can’t shut me out either, but that doesn’t mean we’ll be friends again.
I think its ironic a girl like me could ever touch a guy like him, but I did. I saw it in his eyes when I fought back, in his eyes when I ran passed him, and we both turned around to watch the other one go by. I've met his girlfriend. We became friends before I realized who she was dating, and she's sweet. She reminds me of myself coincedentally. Maybe I've turned him good.
Although he may never admit it, I hurt him. I touched the untouchable. The good girl broke the bad boy’s heart.