And so my emotions clashed between night and day. During the night I fell for him, but in the day in my clear mind I could still taste the pain. My insides were swirling inside my fury storm, mixed emotions and crashing waves.
When caught myself thinking of him, anger surged up inside me and I become enraged. Furious at myself I let someone like him into my life. Mad there are people like him. Pissed something happened that changed a great guy like him into a heartbreaking monster. I become sad that things didn’t work out, and sad at how much it hurts me to think of him in pain. I can’t taste flavors anymore, and I’m sad he changed me, and that I’m not proud of it anymore. My newfound self-confidence is still there, but who do I get to prove it to? I don’t fall for just anyone anymore, and there will never be anyone like him again, and I wont forgive him or myself.
My phone isn’t ringing, we aren’t talking, and I’m numb with all the things we could have said.
I close my eyes and I see my smile, transparent because behind it is his. I hear my laugh ring out and in the background there’s his voice, joking.
It’s funny how the moment I can’t stand him, I realize for sure I have feelings are him. The exact moment was when he was coming out of a room I was walking into. It was my first day back from being sick for a week, and I didn’t recognize him with his new haircut. I saw him, thought “Oh my goodness, he is HOT” and then it slowly dawned on me I knew him, this the guy who I’d fallen for and got my heart crushed. This was Sam. And an excitement shot up my spine, goose bumps exploded down my back, and energy so strong is sent tingles into my fingertips. This was the spark I’d waited so long for. I was physically in love, with yet my mind to win over.
And in the end, it was me who apologized to him, a few days later. I remember afterwards regretting it, because he should be the one apologizing for me. All I wanted was for the pain to go away, and for things to be like they were. If I had to take the next step, so be it.
So I agreed to be friends again, he agreed to his new girlfriend.
He sure knew how to pull on a girl’s heartstrings. If I had liked him, I would be with him, but since I didn’t like him, how does one explain the sadness of knowing she’s been bumped?
We pretended everything was fine, but inside both of us still felt the tension and wished otherwise. It wasn’t the same. I looked at him and relived the pain every time I looked in the eyes, because the admiration I felt towards him wasn’t reflected back the way it used to be.
I felt stuck in apposing currents, both sides clashing with me stuck in the middle. Everyday I saw him, and all his flaws. Then I would go to sleep and dream of him as perfect, falling in love again. I shattered both images and became numb. I didn’t cry during this time, and I knew it was only building up for a dramatic climax. My insides were swirling inside my furry storm, mixed emotions and crashing waves. My sanity could tip, and tears explode from the chaos.
The only thing that kept me sane was running. And so I ran, harder than ever. I poured all the extra energy I spent worrying and over analyzing and wishing any of the what ifs had happened instead, into running. I went faster, breathed harder, and soon was back on my feet. I qualified for state championship. Sam qualified too.