I always get sick when my mind is overwhelmed. He must have been a major stress cause because I came down with strep throat. That meant a week of laying in bed, waiting for him to text me to apologize, and me being too stubborn to text him first. This meant me restlessly stuck in bed for a week feeling physically crappy because my throat hurt, and mentally crappy because he never called. I went through a cloud series. Everything was cold and white and blurry.
I did a lot of thinking that week. I decided I didn’t want him in my life, and then I’d start crying because there is a part of me that can still remember what it fells like to be in love. I don’t want to erase what used to be my gateway to happiness. But then I’d remember what went down between us, and why I’d wanted him to stop, and I start crying all over again because all I wanted was for it to go back to normal. But it never could.
It was this week I began having dreams about him. It is said you dream about that last thing that crosses your mind before you fall asleep. My subconscious was still in love, and every opportunity my guard was down, I found myself thinking of him. My dreams dragged me through the mud until I was back on the boat.
I was sitting in my chemistry class, all was normal, and then everything started shaking. Everyone dove under his or her desks, and we waited for the earthquake to stop. The ground kept shaking. Ten minutes passed and everything was still clattering around us but no one cared anymore. Someone stood up and looked out the window. We were all shocked to see that outside trees were passing by. The teacher ran outside and the shaking stopped. We all stepped out to realize someone had put out classroom on the back of a golf cart and had driven us out to the middle of the woods. The driver was nowhere to be seen. The teacher announced class was dismissed, and everyone ambled off into the woods trying to figure out how to get back. I stayed in the woods. It was quiet and dark. I enjoyed the peacefulness of it all. Eventually I realized I needed to get back, and saw that the room needed to be taken out of the middle of the road. I remember the suspense of trying to drive a giant classroom back the few miles on a thin road, the car swaying dangerously, adding to the fact I’d never driven before. Yet, by miracles I made it, and just in time to watch our team’s football game. I remember sitting on the track, stretching with all the players, and seeing a few cross-country girls go into the bathroom. I ran to catch up, bringing some of my guy friends with me where we proceeded to have a party in the girl’s bathroom. I remember it was amazing, and I was having the time of my life.
Then a policeman walked in and started arresting people because we weren’t allowed to have boys in the girl’s bathroom. I looked beyond the policeman to see Sam, smiling. Laughing, I deflected the policemen, and untouchable, I found my way to Sam. He greeted me by putting his arm around me, and we just walked. I can’t say where, or for how long, but I can recall the warmth of his arm, the feeling of his biceps, and I remember curling up next to him, his comfort surrounding me and feeling safe.
I remember waking up safe, and not being able to shake the feeling of Sam as a protector. That dream was the first of many defrosting my hatred for this guy and leaving me confused. I suppose my dream was really presenting me with my choice: stick with your crazy friends and stay true to yourself, or dive off the deep end, and loose yourself a bit. Anyhow, it became obvious what I chose, and furthermore I wasn’t done.
The dreams continued. Every night for a week, he held me, he kissed me, and he saved me. Every night, I forgave him all over again, and woke up a little bit more swayed than when I had gone to sleep.
This is another turning point. Once it was all put on the line, it was clear he still meant something to me.